Your smile brightens up the room. It really does. I don’t know how you do it. 

It makes me want to smile. 

Your laugh, even though I know you hate it, is genuinely one of my favorite sounds. 

Your gentle heart is visible from miles away. I’ve never found a heart more full of love and consideration.  

You devote your time to making my life better in whatever ways you can. You are selfless by nature, and more caring than any man I’ve ever known. 

Your sweet gestures don’t go unnoticed. You open the car door for me every time, for example. No one has ever done that for me before.

You genuinely care about my well being and my feelings. You’re always asking what you can do to help and you don’t judge me when I need it. 

Your thirst for adventure was one of the first things I loved about you. I want to see the world with you.

Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky. I get to be your wife?! What did I do right? What could I have possibly done to deserve someone as wonderful as you?  

I try not to say “I love you” too much, because I don’t want it to lose its meaning, but you need to know that I love you. 

My thoughts are always with you. My heart is always with you. 

I will always be with you, Kam. 



I’m Getting Married!! 

That’s right! I’m getting married on May 6th to the man of my dreams. No fake names here. My future husband, Kameron Nix and I are tying the knot! A little over a month from now I’ll be Mrs. Jessica Nix! Kameron, I love you so much. You’re my world.

I finally found my forever. If you’ve followed this blog since the beginning you know how important that is to me.

 More on all of this later. Love y’all! 



There are days when I miss you. 

There are days when I don’t. 

Today… I don’t. 

That’s sad to me. 

It’s so sad. 

We were decently solid. 

We were on the right track. I think…

We were supposed to make it. 

Or were we? 

Maybe not. Maybe you just taught me all the lessons I needed to learn before I could find him. 

Him. The one. The calm. The everything all at once without expecting anything at all. 

Still, it hurts. 

I hope you’re okay. I hope I didn’t ruin your heart. I hope you find what I believe I’ve found. 

What I know I could never replace. 

I want that for you. 

I want you to feel overflowed with love and joy and still feel calm somehow. 

I want you to feel… 

… Light. 

Like he makes me feel everday. 

I’m sorry this is the way it turned out. I’m sorry that a part of me still loves you and that there’s nothing that will change that. 

I’m sorry. 

But also… I’m not sorry. I know you deserve her, and she wasn’t me. 

Just like you weren’t him. 


Being Alive 

When you least expect it you’ll have one of those days where being alive isn’t absolutely terrible. 

Enjoy those days! If they don’t come around very often you owe it to yourself to enjoy it. 

Don’t fret over the fact that it’ll be fleeting. 

After all, you wouldn’t know what amazing feels like if you didn’t have those bad times. 

Stay safe my friends.

P. S. I’ve been getting lots of views today! Thank you so much for coming to my blog. I hope you see something you love. 

Doing what you want vs. What you think is right. 

In other words doing what your heart tells you despite what your brain tells you. 

Technically it’s all your brain. One part wants something but the other part has issues with it. Could be guilt, fear, sadness, etc.

I don’t know the mechanical part of it. I don’t know what the parts of the brain are called or how to explain it properly. All I know is that this is where I am right now.

I want something. Someone. Me. 

I want myself back.

But I feel guilty, I’m scared, and the thought of change makes me sad. 

So in the words of How I Met Your Mother…  “What do you do? … Go.” 


I don’t know what to do. 

All I know is that I want to be single again. 

Not to mess around with anyone. Not to ruin my relationship. Not even to have a better life than I do. My life is great. 

He loves me and I love him. We have jobs that pay the bills and we have two cats. His son loves me and I love him, too. 

But I don’t love who I’m becoming. 

Or rather…  Who I’m trying to be. 

I feel too young to be living the life I’m living.

Maybe that’s immature…. But I suppose that’s the point.. 

I’m not there yet. 

But isn’t this what my parents always wanted of me? Be with someone that loves me and build a life together? 

Yes. But I’m just not ready to take that step. 

I used to think at this age I’d be married. I specifically remember day dreaming about it as a little kid.

I’d be married by 22, have two kids by 25, own a home and be a soccer mom. 

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that life, but I’m going to be 24 this month and I feel so far away from wanting those things.

I always say that if I’m more excited for the wedding than I am the marriage then I’m not ready. 

I. Am. Not. Ready. 

I’m not even sure that I want kids anymore. But that’s the beauty of being my age. You don’t have to take yourself too seriously. 

So I can choose to continue this road and (excuse my anxiety) get divorced later in life because I was living a lie. I can ruin his life and my own and make things so much worse than necessary. 

Or I can do what I want.

Ah…there’s my guilty brain again. 

I suppose I don’t have to figure it out today. I’ll leave today for self care and reflection. 


Where did we go? [[A poem]]


You were my dream before I even knew you.

I hoped you’d be out there somewhere and that for now we were just trying to get ourselves together. Trying to love ourselves and accept our flaws so that we’d be ready for each other when the time came.

And then the time came.

All of those moments when I felt like you may not exist washed away. When I took that road trip with my mom she held a missing person’s poster close to her heart. As she held it close and soaked it with her tears one, by one, by one…

I wondered if we shared more than just the same blood.

But then I saw your face, and for the first time – for the very first time – I felt reassured. I felt calm.

When I looked at you, I saw everything.

My heart beating quickly, the beauty in myself. I saw you looking at me the way no one else ever had.

The way I always wanted someone to look at me.

The way I looked at you, too.

Your smile sent an electric current through me.

Do you remember the night we made that fort in my apartment? It was filled with christmas lights and warm blankets. We bought wine and ordered pizza, dedicated to a night in. You smiled over me as I laid on the bed,Leon Bridges singing in the background. We had conversations and learned about each other. We laughed and you touched my face as gently as I had always wanted someone to.

And that was us. When the opportunity presented itself, we’d spend time together. That’s just what we wanted.

Now we can only seem to spend time together if there’s something around to entertain us. The TV, our phones, our own problems, our egos. So we order pizza and drink wine. We dedicate to stay in, but not because we want to be together.

Truth is we don’t want to go anywhere. Home is just the easiest place to exist.

We sit next to each other, but we don’t speak. We wish we could…. and we definitely could. But we don’t.

Why don’t we just speak?

Why don’t I just speak to you right now?

Perhaps because I don’t like talking to myself.

You sit with your denial, and I sit with my guilt.

We don’t try to work it out anymore.

We don’t even fight. We bicker. We stopped communicating. We stopped trying.

You stopped trying.

Right now there’s a fort in our apartment that I built by myself, just for fun. Every time I look at it my only desire is to take it down and clean the room.

Cleanse myself of the messiness that has transpired.

Our kisses don’t feel real anymore. They feel more like folding a shirt

When I look at you. I don’t see myself anymore. I don’t see you anymore.

I don’t see us anymore.

You don’t look at me at all anymore.

I laid in bed with myself and thought about it for a while. Cried about it for a while. Sighed about it for a while. kicked myself to walk through the door and cursed myself for even considering it.

I wish I could go back in time for even a minute to tell you what’s going on.

You’d hold me like you used to and let me cry in your arms. I wouldn’t feel like I lost you. I would ask him to knock some sense into you.

To listen to me. To hear my words. To absorb my words. To not take me for granted.

But I couldn’t do that. So I’d have to go on a mission to rescue you myself.

I tried peeling the layers back to see if I could find you. See if I could bring you home. I put up posters and signs so that maybe someone could tell me where you were. I didn’t happen to see any of me as I was taping them to trees and poles.

I tried looking through the magnifying glass you bought as part of our Sherlock and Watson costumes. I still couldn’t find you.

Hard as I’ve tried I don’t see us anymore.

All I see are empty bodies that walk around and say things that we would never say. Do things that we would never do.

Bodies that we no longer control.

Bodies that sleep next to each other every night but somehow feel like they’re alone.

Where did we go?


To: Andy [Revised Version]

So… a while back I published a pretty little post called To: Andy on this blog. It was posted in March 2015, about two months after Andy and I started dating.

Yes, we loved each other that fast. It just happened.

— and we still do.

That post-however- hadn’t been updated since then. I read it today and it just didn’t feel like us anymore. We’re different people now and our relationship is different.

I used to think that was a bad thing. I always used to say that people should always stay in the honeymoon phase if they love each other. After careful consideration, I’ve realized that the honeymoon phase is just people feeling something genuine that is based on nothing.

I really felt like I loved who I knew him to be, but I didn’t know Andy well enough to say anything that really meant something. There wasn’t anything real to write yet.

So I meandered around, using a lot of cheesy lines and broad thoughts about love to try to describe the feelings that I had. I couldn’t find the words. I suppose the words I wrote were the right words at the time.

The honeymoon phase is just a facade. When it’s lifted and you still feel good about that person, that’s when the realness begins.

Now we’ve been together almost a year and a half. It may not be a huge accomplishment but I only mention it because after this amount of time, I feel that I know Andy enough to revise my previous post.

Maybe in 3 years I’ll revise it again. Maybe in 3 years there won’t be anything to write about us but memories.

All I know is that today I still love him and I am so glad I now have some real words to write.

Below is the revised version in black along with my old post in grey. Some words have changed, and some haven’t.

Here goes–

Continue reading

Marriage is a serious thing

If you think that cheating on your spouse is a small mistake that you can come back from then you shouldn’t be getting married.

If your motto is that you only have one life and you should live it without worrying about consequences then don’t promise someone you’ll be faithful. Go live your life and leave others out of it.

You can have sex with random people, flirt with whoever you want, enjoy your freedom,  and still keep your dignity by being alone. Don’t drag someone along.

They have to go look for their actual match.

If you’re looking for something and the person you are with is looking for something else then leave.

If that voice inside your head is constantly nagging you. Telling you this isn’t right. This isn’t who you are meant to be with.

You have to listen.

Think about the previous times you didn’t listen? Feel like you wasted your time?

Yeah. That will always apply.

Until you start trusting yourself.

If you are running at full speed and your partner says they are running right behind you but then take a left without you… Watch their feet instead of listening to their words.

Watch their feet.

What are his/her feet telling you?

Familiar Feelings Can Be Misleading

procon Sheet1

Recently some really messed up things have happened, specifically with my (now former) place of employment. Basically they have a policy that says because I don’t work there anymore they don’t have to pay me the bonus money I earned the month before. The bonus money we earn is given to us the month after we earn it. I made $500 of bonus money in december, and I haven’t seen a dime. On top of that they still haven’t paid me my regular paycheck either. It was due on friday.

To add insult to injury part of that money was going to be used to pay rent, get a new washer, and celebrate my birthday (yesterday).

We are now going to have to borrow money in order to just pay rent.

I’m kind of in the middle of filing an unpaid wage claim and talking to a lawyer. My co workers have alienated me and refuse to help with evidence in any way, and my supervisor whom I trusted won’t answer my calls.

It felt eerily familiar.

Feeling like the world hates me. Feeling like I’m a loser. Feeling like I’m hurting Andy in the process (it’s his money, too). Feeling like the past three months of showing up to work every day on time and trying so hard was just a ruse.

Feeling like I’m back to my old, negative self again.

Feeling like I should have planned better. demanded every single pay statement (sometimes they sent them, sometimes they didn’t), made copies of all the policies that I read in the office, picked up my binder full of all the relevant information to help my case, etc. etc. etc.

But probably the most upsetting feeling was the one that led me to thinking if I would’ve successfully ended my life at some point this wouldn’t be happening. Andy could pay his rent because he wasn’t depending on someone else’s money or spending his on someone. Guilt. Shame. Remorse.

But… Why did I feel guilty? It’s not my fault that the company I work for isn’t paying me the money that I rightfully deserve. It’s not my fault that a customer who gave out his personal information was threatening to sue because I spoke to someone who verified all his information. It’s not even my fault that my co workers are mad at me because they didn’t make goal this week and blame me somehow (we had one week left to make goal and regardless of my presence there’s no way it would’ve happened).

You know what would be my fault, though? If I let my emotions go into a downward spiral.

Now that I have meds I have the ability to get myself out of that line of thinking. I can hate myself and feel like I can’t catch a break. I’ll assume that everyone I know and love will be disappointed in me. I’ll find ways to belittle myself when no one around me is.

I’ll self sabotage and ruin every other aspect of my life (quit school, end relationship, cut off family/friends, lay in bed all day, possibly end up committing suicide because that is where all of it leads to).


I could realize that money isn’t everything. Money can be made again. I am more valuable than money, and the people that love me know that. I can realize that I’m doing everything I can to recover from this really unfortunate setback. Within 5 days I already had a new job that paid more than the other, I decided to not let this get to me on my birthday and instead of going all out like we wanted, we had some friends over and spent $20 on beer and snacks. Had a great time. I continue to do my schoolwork and show up to class. I am working with a lawyer and filing a claim to try and get what’s mine, but am also aware that sometimes shit isn’t fair and it may not work out.



Khaleesi was probably having a worse day than me tbh. Just look at what her mommy did to her.

I can also determine who’s opinion matters to me. Co-workers that I didn’t even know four months ago and never truly connected with? A company that isn’t decent enough to abide by Texas Employment Laws? No. No, the people who matter are the ones that constantly love me through everything I go through. Sure, Andy’s life would be different if I was no longer in it, but I don’t think he’d rather have rent money without having to borrow it than have me.


I can take a step back and view my life as if it’s a pro and con list. I can determine that the good outweighs the bad right now. It’s so easy to list all the bad going on. Almost addicting. Try listing all the good. You may be surprised.

I can stop blaming myself and instead celebrate myself for getting through this and staying strong. I can remember that the downsides to what happened are only temporary. When we have our money back on track in a month or two we can buy a washer, experience those birthday plans we originally planned on, and this experience will be long gone.

I can enjoy my life.


Things are always worse than they seem when they’re currently your biggest struggle. Sometimes I forget that I’ve been through so much worse because it feels so far away. A few months ago I dealt with what I thought was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. Dealing with Lucas’s mom and her knowing about my depression. That feels long gone now. I rarely even think about it. That’s just how it goes.

I just want to stress that even though the situation feels like something you’ve been through before, it doesn’t mean that you are the same person you used to be. Give yourself more credit than that.

Also remember this. You ARE allowed to think different thoughts. Hating yourself and constantly assessing the situation isn’t going to change anything. You might as well enjoy yourself if shit is about to hit the fan. You only get to experience today once and then it’s gone. It is your choice to throw it in the trash or take advantage of it.

Focusing on one isolated problem in your life makes you forget all the good and awesome things going on. Take a look again, and this time not through binoculars.




When is accepting your flaws acceptable?

It’s a cool title, but also an interesting question.

I’ve always been the type of person that doesnt finish things. Not in a sad, hopeless kind of way (at least not usually), but in a firm and decisive way.

I choose to stop doing things if I don’t feel the need or want to continue doing said things. 

It’s something I’ve always had a problem with. Not necessarily because I care about finishing things. No. I don’t care. It’s because of one simple fact that makes every person have insecurities, doubts, and causes them to use self hate language:

It’s a problem because society says so.

I should finish things even if I don’t want to or have to. 

I should finish things simply because according to society the opposite of finishing is quitting.

And quitting indicates irresponsibility.

Well I think that’s bullshit.

I’m sorry but… No actually I’m not sorry.

Me quitting gymnastics when I was 4 didn’t make me irresponsible. It made me a child that didn’t want to do gymnastics. They said we’d do splits next class and I peaced out of there. Also my mom sent me in with a bathing suit instead of an expensive leotard and I wasn’t about that life.

Me quitting basketball when I was 12 didn’t make me a bad kid in any way. I just didn’t care about basketball.

How about when I quit all those jobs? Yeah. Well those jobs sucked ass and I knew I could do better. 

And I have.

You know what I never quit? 

  • Show choir
  • Voice lessons
  • High school (even through the craziness that was my childhood and home life)
  • My so far decade long best friendship with Ray 
  • Dreaming
  • Caring about animals
  • Loving my family
  • Taking care of Khaleesi
  • Russian and soviet history which was by far the hardest class I’ve ever taken
  • This blog

I’m sure there are more out there but you get the picture. Those are all things that matter to me. Things that make me feel happy and alive. Things I wake up for in the morning.

That is what matters.

If following through on everything is important to you, then more power to ya! It’s all about what makes you happy. What makes you, you.

And hey, I never quit saving to move to Austin, but I did quit 8 cities 8 years. 

And get this, I quit because I know what makes me happy.

Being here makes me happy.

Writing a book, going back to school for neuroscience, being in love, working at a job that makes me actually want to show up every day, and continuing to get healthy.

That is what is up, my friends. I may give up on a lot of things, but I’ll never give up on building a happy life for myself.

Don’t give up on yourself either. And I don’t just mean suicide. I mean hating yourself for stupid things you don’t even care about. Make a list. I guarantee you’ll realize your insecurities are actually a reflection of the things others don’t like about you.

Showcase your middle finger with pride, drop that mic, and walk away from that noise. You and I deserve more than that. 


An Ideal World vs. The Real World

Andy and I were talking about the possibilities of technology and medicine advancement in the future.

He brought up a scenario where there are drugs tailor made specifically for each person. A Jessica drug for me and my depression. He wasn’t for or against it, he was just curious on my thoughts. (Yes, we are nerdy like that.)

Ain’t that a treat? A pill designed for my body and no one else’s. The promise of a side effect free drug that cures my depression forever. That could have cured my depression when I almost lost my life.

I simply responded, “No.”

He asked me why.

“Because if I didn’t go through what I went through, I wouldn’t be sitting with you in this room right now.”

He waited on an explanation, completely puzzled.

“Well think about it. If I didn’t have depression, I wouldn’t have had to force myself out of my way of thinking. A lot of the times people without a life changing illness just kind of settle for what their lives are. Nothing to do, nothing to change. They find solace in the mundane.

I had to do something drastic to get out of that hole. So I decided to move here.

Hell, we can even go more in depth. I would have never adopted
Khaleesi, because as most know I adopted her because bonding with your pet is therapeutic and often helps with depression. I would have probably stayed with/married my ex, so I would have relied on him with my depression, refusing to take meds because I had him as a crutch, so I wouldn’t have recovered when I did. I wouldn’t have met this random guy in a bar, hit it off with him, and had the courage to go visit him in Austin a week after meeting him.

I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to stay true to myself when said guy screwed me over. I certainly wouldn’t have had the courage to move here. I wouldn’t have moved home and started saving. I wouldn’t have gotten an OkCupid profile to meet Austinites before my move. I would have never seen a picture of this gorgeous guy who claimed he could make a girl smile if she gave him the chance to. I wouldn’t have had the courage to message him, and he wouldn’t have made me smile within two message exchanges. We would have never talked every day before my move, I would have never moved here, I would have never gone on an amazing first date, or had an amazing first kiss. I would have never gotten the chance to hear him say ‘I love you’ and I wouldn’t have met his amazing son, and I wouldn’t be in this very room with him right now.”

It’s safe to say that he agreed that an ideal world is nowhere near as wonderful as the real world.

I believe he said something along the lines of:

“That world sounds like bullshit.”

I couldn’t agree more.

I hope when you are struggling you can remember that your pain, your suffering, your scars, they are all part of who you are. They shape you to be the person you are going to be someday. The person who has these crazy stories, these intense moments, these wonderful memories. A more well rounded, brave, and strong person.

If we lived in a world where my depression was 100% curable right off the bat, well, I wouldn’t be me. I’d be a robot. We would all be the same. And I wouldn’t have ever gotten the chance to start this blog

Do you have the courage to be you?

We’re moving in together!


Things have been pretty wild since I last checked in. Two weeks is the longest bar of silence I’ve had this year.

I suppose I didn’t know what to write. Things have been happening, but I decided to take a break from sharing those things because I wanted to try immersing myself in my own life instead of trying to find ways to narrate it.

11146206_10152847747341274_4810380212775105341_nI’ve got to say, it has been pretty fun.

When you’re present and in the moment things change. The way you see people around you, the way you make decisions, the way you experience everything.

I made the difficult decision to stop taking my medication two weeks ago.

I still have not made contact with my father in prison.

I quit my front desk job that made me feel like crap and left with a bombshell email exposing my former boss’s wrongdoings.

I had some awesome bon11161349_10152849402596274_9211810873696856201_nding time with one of Andy’s sisters, Lizzie.

I got another job as a server at a sports bar.

I started paying off my $640 balance for college so I can finish my last year and a half.

I’m proud to say that Andy’s son, Lucas now recognizes me as “Jess”.


To tie everything up in a beautiful bow that is life, I’m excited to announce that Andy and I are moving in together!

The move will most likely be happening right before our trip to Chicago. I still have to get out of my lease, we are still working out logistics like what things we can get rid of/sell, and come to an agreement with his already roommates.

They are great people. Funny story, they are a married couple with a son. The wife is actually Andy’s ex’s cousin. She is, however, super wonderful and accommodating. She actually said today that she’d really love to get to know me and hang out. She has always gotten along with Andy and the break up didn’t change that.

11059347_10152808962046274_2160873252254272321_nHer son and Lucas are cousins, so Andy and I decided that we’re going to get bunk beds for them so that Lucas can stay in his room when he visits. It’s a three bedroom, two bathroom house, so it’s more than livable and roomy.

I think I’m going to like it here.

I just can’t believe how in sync Andy and I have been since day 1.

We have been through some pretty high hurdles, but now we’ll have to face our toughest one yet: his ex girlfriend.

18295_10152809170241274_3540082442894434176_nI haven’t said much about her except that respect her and Andy’s dedication to Lucas in this post.

I only met her once, and briefly, but I have unfortunately witnessed countless phone conversations between her and Andy. It is safe to say that she is quite possessive. It seems to be hard for her to let go of Andy. I don’t think there are feelings there, but I do think that she doesn’t want him to be happy with anyone else. That really bothers her.

As I said in my last post, I refuse to have stupid baby mama drama. This will be handled as it should be: with three adults who all care about the child involved. I won’t entertain any other way.

Regardless, I can’t tell you how amazing it is to witness someone defend you with the utmost admiration and respect.

I’ll save that for later though. Right now I want to revel in what is the most amazing and fulfilling relationship of my life.

It looks like I’ll be an Austinite a bit longer than planned!



To: Andy

Sometimes I haven’t the slightest idea what to do about it.

You say something sweet or laugh the way you do, and I am overcome with joy.

Just pure joy.

The cuts and bruises from my life before you…they just don’t hurt anymore.

They’ve become scars.

I’ll never forget the pain of the past but being with you has changed the way I look at it.

I won’t carry it with me anymore.

It’s you and me now.

The way it was always supposed to be. At least that’s how it feels.

We have been in sync since day one.

I feel what you feel.
You hope what I hope.
I love what you love.

There has never been, nor will there ever be, another us.

That’s what is so great and terrifying about it.

Decades from now when we’re both gone no one will know who we were or what we meant to each other, but it doesn’t even matter.

Because right now, today, right here, as I sit on my bed and type, I love you.

I love every single moment that you exist.

Even in my deepest sleep I love you.

In my worst and best moments I love you.

Even in the times I’m upset with you, I love you.

When I was seven years old and I wondered if you existed I loved you.

When I was fifteen years old and I wished for you I loved you.

Just half a year ago when I wondered how many years I had left before I’d meet you I loved you.

The day I saw your face for the first time I loved you.

I just didn’t know it was you yet.

Now that we’re both here and feel the way we do

I can’t really describe the way I feel.

To say you make me happy is an understatement.

It almost feels like an insult. That word doesn’t even come remotely close to the way I feel.

In fact, there is nothing I could ever say that would describe this.

Then again, words have never been necessary with us.

You show me through your eyes. Your kiss. The way you hold onto me a little longer every time.

You show me through your actions.

I hope we always feel this way about each other.

It’s so different from any other feeling I’ve ever felt.

So foreign at first, but now it is the thing I treasure most.

Could love be this great?

We share this electrifying closeness that feels like a Utopia. But it isn’t. It is the realest thing we’ve ever known.

There is something so incredibly perfect about resting my head on your shoulder.

Something so painstakingly wonderful about feeling your hand touch my face.

Feeling the warmth of your hug.

Feeling the kisses you leave on my forehead.

Feeling this way about you.

I love us.


Tips for when you feel too dependent on others

Depression can be pretty scary. It’s especially scary when you’re alone in your room at 3:30am fighting a war against yourself to stay alive while the rest of the world sleeps soundly.

Intense, I know.

Continue reading

A ball of stress

That’s what I am right now.

I’m just working a lot and trying to keep up with it.

I’m also trying to figure out whether or not I’m buying a car.

I’m trying to spend time with Andy but our schedules disagree quite a bit.

It seems before when I had jobs that weren’t dependable, everything else worked out.

Money was my only stress. It was a big deal, but it was the only thing I put my stress on.

Now that I’m financially secure I have a whole new set of problems.

I’m not really sure which is worse.

To be fair, now that my Wellbutrin has kicked in so have the side effects.

Dry mouth, aches and pains, but most ferociously, Anxiety.

My anxiety is through the roof. Doesn’t help with everything I’ve got going on.

It’s why I haven’t really been able to write anything coherent in the past week or so.

Usually the strength of the side effects subside within a month or so. I’m really hoping that this is the worst of it.

Because the only thing worse than anxiety is a low sex drive.


Leaving your significant other for someone else.

You ever notice how no one wants to date you until you’re already dating someone else?

When I was in the 7th grade I had a boyfriend named Eric. We were together for a long three weeks. Then I met a boy named Rob and I had to make the decision of a lifetime. Break up with Eric and date Rob, or stay with Eric and turn Rob down.

Obviously now looking back it was not the decision of a lifetime at all. It was barely even a decision. Anyway I chose to break up with Eric and date Rob.

One week later I realized that I had made the mistake of a lifetime (remember, I was in the seventh grade) and I called Eric to ask him if we could be together again.

And he declined.

See, technically I didn’t cheat on him or anything, but I did leave him for someone else. That was the day I understood the quote, “Don’t leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.”

No, I didn’t love Eric, but I never forgot about him. He taught me that if I’m going to break up with someone for someone else, I’d better be damn sure that’s what I want, because you don’t always get a second chance.

I’ve kept that belief with me ever since that day, and I’m glad I did, because when I was in high school and the same predicament happened, I knew what to do.

And today I’m especially glad because it has happened again.

A certain person in my life admitted that he had very strong feelings for me. He said that he loved me, and that he feels like he made a mistake not telling me sooner. He had hurt me in the past and so the whole predicament left me in tears. He went on to try to explain himself and his feelings.

I was listening to him. I really was. I heard the things he said, I let them sit in my mind, but I couldn’t focus. Andy was everywhere I looked. Suddenly my head was filled with us.

Trying new wine together while playing games and talking, dancing salsa barefoot in my room, kissing him, feeling him hold me, seeing that adorable face he makes when he laughs really hard, saying things in silly voices, listening to music and cuddling, feeling happy when he wakes me up in the morning with a forehead kiss (It’s a miracle, really. I’m not even remotely a morning person). Feeling my stomach flutter every damn time he knocks on my front door. feeling so much joy the moment I open the door and see him smiling at me, randomly waking up at night and seeing him sleep peacefully, imagining what our future will be like, and just simply knowing that he loves me, too.

There wasn’t even a moment of doubt in my mind. Andy is, has always been, and will always be my soulmate.

There’s a reason I missed Joseph by a week.

There’s a reason this guy and I never worked out.

There’s a reason every little thing happened before I could meet and fall in love with Andy.

And that reason is that he was meant for me.

When you are given the opportunity to leave your significant other for someone else, and you actually consider it, I suppose you should just go for it.

It took me .5 seconds to say no. because it took .5 seconds to open my mouth.

Andy will always be the better choice. He’ll always be the only choice.

I chose him that night, and I’ll choose him every time anything like that happens because he’s it.

When you know you know. You know?

Happy 9 month Anniversary to you both [[An excerpt from a larger story]]

I couldn’t feel my heart. It was nonexistent for the 7.5 seconds it took for him to give me his answer. I searched for the answer in his eyes, but it didn’t really matter. His facial expressions never quite matched his tone. He always had an odd toothy smile in the face of stress, awkwardness, anger, and confusion.

“I really thought about it.”

I was sweating. In my defense I was standing next to an oven full of cupcakes during a Chicago summer. I guess I’ll never know if it was his words or the atmosphere that made me sweat that much.

My mind instantly went to a younger, more foolish version of me. You know… from last night. I planned what cupcakes I’d make and washed my sheets and cleaned my room. I had a long talk with Roxy about how I know we had problems but I was sure we could get over them.

“So he only lasts 90 seconds. That’s fine, we can make it work. More foreplay, numbing cream, even going a second round. You know, if he is in the mood. Which he usually isn’t because he says he’s too sensitive. I really wish he would let me hug him afterwards but his body is just so sensitive after sex. Okay, whole other problem. I’ll make this work. We can make this work.”

Roxy nodded her head and warned me that he may not want to get back together.

“I know. Part of me wants to believe he wouldn’t give up on us that easily. Oh my god, Roxy. We might be together again by this time tomorrow.”

“I thought about it for a long time, and I want to be friends.”

I slowly turned away from him and held onto the stovetop to keep myself from falling. Is this what a heart attack feels like? I think I’m having a heart attack. There’s nothing in me. It’s all gone. It’s all just flying around me. He’s not even here. Nothing is here. Only my shallow breaths and this stove top.


“Is it because of her?”


“It’s her isn’t it? You’re throwing this away for someone you don’t even know. We have history. We are best friends. You’re a fucking asshole.”

I sauntered off into the back stairwell.

 “It’s not about her. We’re not even dating. We’re just talking.”

“Joseph, a week ago you told me that you wished you were with me. What the fuck?”

“You missed me. You missed me by a week and I’m sorry but it’s the truth.”

I sat on the top step and he followed. I couldn’t do anything but beg. With tears in my eyes I moved a few steps down and faced him on my knees.

“Joseph I love you. Please don’t choose her. What am I going to do without you? Without this? You are my best friend.”

He pushed my hands away as I tried to touch his face.

“Please don’t do this. Get up.”

“No. I can’t. I have to fight for you because we promised each other we always would. You fight for what you love. That’s what we always said.”

” I don’t love you anymore Jess. I don’t know how it happened I just fell out of love. There was nothing left. I don’t know why but it’s gone.”

I hate to say it, but this went on for twenty minutes. I groveled on my knees for twenty minutes. I begged him to love me back. To find it in himself to love me back. To remember who he fell in love with.

But to no avail.

Once I realized that begging wasn’t going to help, I got up. I thought about how I was going to kill myself. Would I leave a note for him? Maybe then he’d have to live with it forever. He’d never forget me. Any woman he’d be with in the future would permanently have my face on. He wouldn’t be able to escape me.

I walked up the stairs and rested my arms on the banister. I looked at the alley from the window.

He waited for me to react, but I couldn’t.

After all the tears, the heart wrenching pain depression and this relationship had put me through. After being rejected by the second man I ever loved – the first being my father – I just couldn’t react anymore.

I felt a sense of peace wash over me. The sun had started to set a little bit. I took a deep breath and he held his.

“Someday… I have no idea when. I don’t even know what will make you realize it. Someday you’re going to look back and come to find that this was the day you made the biggest mistake of your life. You will regret it.”

He only stared at me and said, “I won’t regret it. I’m sure I don’t love you.”

“You’ll see.”

278 days and counting.


Broken Homes vs. Split Units

On Wednesday, I met Andy’s son, Lucas. I had a great time! We had Ice cream and watched Lucas play at the playground. He’s such a great kid. Super energetic and funny!

He was shy at first, but as time wore on he started to feel more relaxed with me and laughed and joked with Andy, and even talked to me quite a bit!

I felt really lucky.

Lucky to be let into this part of Andy’s life, even if just for an afternoon.

Lucky to be in this relationship.

Lucky to be in love with a man that takes parenthood seriously.

There are some fathers out there that could care less about the children that they have.

Take my father for example.

It was just so nice to see a family that is split up work together as a unit.

People ask me if there’s going to be baby mama drama in my life now that I’m with Andy.

The answer is no. For two reasons:

1. I avoid drama like the Plague. I’m not confrontational; I’m not a coward. I just know when something is petty, stupid, and not worth wasting time over.

2. I have the utmost respect for two parents who are civil and responsible enough to make an arrangement like this work, because my parents unfortunately, could not do that for us. And yes, that means I have a lot of respect for Lucas’s mother, too. So why on earth would I start or entertain unnecessary drama?

One thing that I learned from my family? The kids should always come first. And I learned that the hard way, because we never came first in my dad’s eyes.

Maybe second once a year, maybe even third twice a year. Never first.

I’m not even remotely part of that situation yet, but I just wanted to be clear on my thoughts about it. That way when the time comes, I’ll know where I stand with the whole dynamic.

All I can say for sure is seeing Andy play with Lucas, seeing him give Lucas piggy back rides, hold his hand, laugh with him, and call him son, all of that made me fall even more in love with that man.

I didn’t even know that was possible.


I’m meeting Lucas today!

Today is the day! After this bullshit two hour training session at work, Andy will be picking me up and I will finally meet Lucas! Ice cream and the playground!

I’m excited and elated!

Not much else to say today.

I’m happy.

I’m trying not to think about anything else.

Maybe I can stay in this bliss for a little while.

I know soon I’m going to have to address 8 cities with myself. I know soon I’m going to have to deal with working another 6 consecutive days and not seeing Andy for most of this and next week.

I know soon I’ll have to try to get some time off of work because my best friend is coming and I don’t know if it’ll happen and that makes me want to cry because he’s the only bit of Chicago I’ll have for quite a while.

But today, none of that will be addressed. None of it could even be fixed today. So why stress about it? Stressing about the things I can’t currently control is just pointless. Today is a great day to be me. Today I should be thankful that 8 cities even came out because it led me this far. Today I should be thankful I even have a job that will provide me with the funds and time off to visit my family. Today I should be thankful to have an amazing man in my life that I actually care about not seeing because of said job. Today I should be thankful that my best friend can afford to come see me and enjoy Austin for himself, regardless of whether or not I work for some of it.

Plus, I do have some mini solutions. For example, 8 cities is still 10 months away. I have time (and now money) to make that decision later. And I don’t know what will happen or where my life will be 10 months from now.

One week of not seeing Andy will be tough, but if we’re right for each other, I’ll have the rest of my life to see him! And there will be times where we have all the time in the world, and others where we only see each other right before we sleep, but either way I’ll cherish those moments.

My best friend, Ray has his flight booked. Either way we’ll figure something out. Switching shifts with my co-workers is super easy, and so once the day comes closer and I know my schedule, I can work with them to move things around. Andy doesn’t work weekends so he could hang out with Ray and show him around. They could bond :).

It will all be okay.

I’m feeling quite optimistic today. Not sure why or  how, but I just feel right.

Today, I meet Lucas.

Today is a good day.


To: The one (Part 2)

Part one was written before I met you. I always knew you exsisted. That you were out there somewhere. I talked about what it may feel like to meet you, to fall for you, to just know it was right, but I had no idea how it’d actually feel.

If I had to sum it up, I’d say this:

I feel like every mistake I made, every time my heart was broken, every time I learned from that heartbreak, every turn I’ve ever made in life, every time it didn’t work out, every time I accepted less than I deserved, every impulse I had to give in to, every time I lost hope, every time I hoped again, every time I disappointed myself, and the moment I learned to love myself…

Those things happened to prepare me for you.

So that when we’d finally meet, I’d know that you were it for me.

In another post I wondered who you were and what you were doing at any given moment. Now I don’t have to wonder. We have plans tonight at 5 pm. How lucky am I to have plans with my soul mate today?

Just as lucky as you are, I suppose.


Meeting your significant other’s child

It caught me completely off guard. I was watching TV and stuffing my face with a snickers bar when suddenly Andy cracked the earth in half with one text message.

“Well the reason I’m asking about your next day off is I was going to ask if you would like to accompany Lucas and me to the playground and some Ice cream if the weather permits.”

And just like that I froze up. My mouth wide open, snickers half masticated, just completely bewildered. Earlier that day I was thinking about how sure I was about meeting him some time after we returned from Chicago.

Well… that timeline was just given a violent shove to next week.

So in that moment, I did what my gut told me to do. I did what all 20 something year olds do at some point in their adult lives when they just don’t have the answers.

I called my mom.

She told me not to be afraid. She said that the only reason I was expecting to meet him much later is that Joseph kept me a secret for so long. I told my mom about him pretty quickly. He met my parents after two months or so. He waited 8 months to admit that we were dating. Overall he just treated me like crap. Let’s just go with that.

Anyway, here I have Andy, slowly letting me into this amazing part of his world. His parents know about me, and so do his sisters, and now on Wednesday I’m going to get to meet Lucas. Not because it’s the “next step” or because he feels obligated, or that I’m pushing him into it. It’s because it feels right to him.

And after the initial shock it felt right to me, too.

So on Wednesday, Andy, Lucas and I will be heading over to the park (I love parks!) and hanging out for a few hours. I’m excited to meet him, and excited to do so in a very relaxed environment. It’s like meeting parents for lunch as opposed to what Andy will have to do: Meeting my parents on a vacation.

It’s funny… I never really thought about what my situation would be like when I was this age. Seems I’m in a relationship where my parents are the furthest.

Let’s hope it’s not another movie in the “Meet the Parents” Series.

I’m sure my mom could pull a pretty intimidating DeNiro persona out of her pocket in a moment’s notice.


When love threatens your life plans.

I moved to Austin with the idea that I’d only be here a year. I had no clue that I was going to meet the person that I can only describe as my soulmate in my first of 8 cities. The thing is since the age of 18, I haven’t really given a tiny rat’s ass what anyone thinks about my decisions. If I decide something it’s on me because – as I’m sure I’ve engraved in everyone’s minds on this blog – I have complete control over my life. And whether or not people believe he’s my soulmate is irrelevant, because it’s how I feel. I may be wrong, but all I can say in confidence is that in my 22 years of living on this earth I have never felt this way. Never. And neither has he. That isn’t something I take lightly.

So now it’s up to me to ask the tough questions. And the only person that can answer it (whether it be a decent answer or not), is unfortunately, me.

So is this fate? Divine intervention? Or are we a pit stop on the ultimate road of my life?
Do I stick to the plan? Or do I plan to cancel my plans?

I don’t know. I really don’t. I think I’m really just trying to go over it in my head.

This didn’t even occur to me until last night. Andy and I were at this Greek place waiting for our takeout, and I was talking about the new budget I created for myself based on my new pay. I mentioned that if I find that I can stick to my budget plan for a year I’d try to find a nice apartment since I can afford it. Then suddenly my heart dropped because any mention of “a year” reminds me of my plans.

This is exactly how it came out:

“Right now based on my budget I have a very big amount of spendable money, so if I find that I can stick with my plan for a while then I’ll be able to get a nicer place by next year. That is if I — you know — uh — decide to stay — well — uh — yeah — sorry — whatever.” 

I could tell he was disappointed. But… even more heartbreaking … I could tell that this wasn’t the first time he had thought about it.

He just gave me a weak smile and didn’t say anything.

I moved on to another topic, but my face and the hushed tone of my voice showed every bit of the remorse I was trying to hide.

He let it slide, though. 

But I don’t know if I have.

It’s odd, I remember going to my old high school recently and giving a speech on my 8 cities 8 years trip. Students asked questions about how my family is taking my plans, what I plan to do in each city, and how I decided on my cities. But one question a midst all of them stood out to me.

My old professor asked, “What if when you get to Texas, you fall in love with a handsome ‘cowboy’? What happens then?”

The class and I chuckled as I shook my head and looked him dead in the eye.

“I’m going to need more reason than a boy to stay in Austin.”


Daddy issues: Seeking approval in relationships


As many of you know, I had issues with my father growing up. I never got his love or approval and that really hurt me. It messed me up, even.

For the next 6 or so years I would obsess over trying to make my boyfriends happy. I’d spend money, time, and effort, and make grand gestures to try to receive that love. I wanted approval. I wanted confirmation that I’m a good person. I figured that if I kept doing these big things for them there was no way they could leave me or reject me. There was no way they couldn’t love me.

The thing is… even if they’d jump up and down and cry of happiness (which of course, they didn’t)… it still wouldn’t have been enough.

No man will ever fill that void. And why should he? That is a dad-shaped hole that really won’t ever heal. 

Andy and I had a bit of a speed bump there yesterday. The art installation didn’t go as well as I had hoped. He loved the thought behind it and admired how hard I worked, but he was a little bit shocked and felt very weird in the limelight around onlookers that knew it was him in the posters. These aren’t things I knew in the moment… so to me it registered as it always had in the past.

It reminded me of my exes to be honest. I felt like I had landed another guy who didn’t appreciate the things I do. I did what I told myself I’d do in a situation like this.

I contemplated whether or not this person was right for me.

And that made me extremely sad. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to shower and lay in bed and cry. I didn’t know how to tell him. I didn’t think we could bounce back from this for our picnic and fort plans. Andy knew something was wrong and I’m not one to lie about whether or not I’m alright, so I told him the truth.

He was deeply saddened that I was in pain over it.

I wanted to shower. He wanted to wait for me in my room. I wanted to lay in bed. He laid there with me. I wanted to cry, he held onto me in silence for about half an hour while the tears took over.

Then afterwards, when I was calmer, we talked about it. He felt so bad about his reaction, and I felt so bad because I felt like I was completely off with my gift. I cried some more and told him that I just wanted to give him things I knew he never had. I wanted him to know that I realize there’s a third person in this relationship and that it is a different situation. I wanted him to feel loved and cared about.

And he said, “Why would you think I don’t? You make me feel that way every day. Every moment that I’m with you I feel that way. It makes me so sad that you don’t believe I appreciate you. I do. Everything you do for me is noticed and appreciated.”

And I realized that this whole thing was a pretty painful misunderstanding. I looked back at this time I’ve been in Austin, and I really thought about it.



In this short amount of time Andy has made me feel like the most special and beautiful person in the world. He has sacrificed sleep and time for me, he’s juggled me, his son, work, and school, and has managed to make me four amazing gifts from scratch. He’s met my friends, shamelessly told his family about me, planned an amazing birthday for me, and understood my ongoing battle with depression. He’s listened to my problems, my woes, my fears, and has separated them from the person that I am. 

I realized that by just being myself and letting him in I made him feel loved. I never needed to do any of the things I did. I don’t need to make super grand gestures, or look perfect every time we hang out, or hold back on the person that I am. Seems I never had to with him.

When I was growing up I missed out on my father’s love, and it really affected me. I spent hours and days on gifts, surprises, and grand gestures trying to get that same love and approval from my boyfriends. when I didn’t get it I was devastated. I wanted people to know how great of a girlfriend I was. I wanted concrete proof that I did things for them and that I cared.

I enjoyed people coming up to me and saying what an amazing girlfriend I am more than I enjoyed seeing my boyfriend happy. 

But the thing is… yesterday when I was putting up the posters at the outdoor gallery, I turned to my friend that was helping me and told him,

“I would rather have people not look at my work at all than look at it and like it. This isn’t about any of them. They don’t have a clue.”

Even before I knew what Andy’s reaction was going to be, I didn’t feel the need to have anyone tell me what a great girlfriend I am. I only cared about what Andy would think.

I don’t feel like I have to do these grand gestures for approval anymore. Of course there will be days where I want to do something special, but it will always be for the right reasons with Andy.

As a girlfriend I’m loving, caring, affectionate, respectful, and mindful. As a person I am creative, goal-oriented, independent, funny, bright, and strong.

And that is why Andy loves me.

There’s no longer this aching need to replace my father. That dad shaped hole has been boarded up. But Andy has filled the part of me that yearned to be loved and accepted. That lingering feeling that I’m the only person who believes I’m good is gone.

I’m free from this obsessive need to feel loved.

I am loved.

And that is how we bounced back. He gave me my gift. It was a leather booklet with a notepad in it. On the first page it read:


It’s only been a month and you’ve swept me off my feet. We’ve grown together so quickly and I just can’t imagine my life without you. You’re the bee’s knees AND the cat’s pajamas. I love you and all the little quirks that make you who you are. I hope you can use this little notepad to help you continue to be the beautiful and creative woman you are.

Happy Valentine’s Day


So my Valentine’s day surprise didn’t work out perfectly. So Andy didn’t respond exactly the way I wanted him to. That’s not important. Let me tell you what is. 

1. Though he felt odd about it he still could see the beauty and creativity and effort I put into it.

2. When I reacted negatively to his reaction he didn’t attack me or tell me my feelings weren’t valid.

3. He waited for me to cry it out.

4. He allowed me to express how I was feeling when I was finally ready and calm

5. He told me that none of this changes how he feels about me.

These are all things that prove to me that what we have together is good, unadulterated, and can push through conflict.

I’m also very happy it happened because now our relationship isn’t ALL rainbows and butterflies. It’s a relationship. A real one. We can exist in our imaginary world. We can be together without anyone else around in our little fort we made in my room that had one string of beer shaped lights illuminating each crevice. We can laugh, and kiss, and play games. But more importantly, we can get out of the fort and face the real world. No one is excited for a fight. No one likes looking back on their scars and their issues. But these things are necessary because they prove to us that what we are living is real.

His gift proved to me that though his personality isn’t the same as mine, he still knows that I’m creative and artistic and loves me for it. It was the perfect gift to end that whole situation.

I made a video that shows how I made the posters and how I posted them up. Regardless of what happened I’m extremely proud of my work, and on the plus side, I saw a bunch of people taking pictures with them as we were leaving the gallery!

See when it came to my dad, I knew that he was missing out on a great daughter. I knew that I had great qualities. I knew it with all of my exes, and I know it with Andy. It’s just really nice to find someone who finally knows that about me, too. Especially without me having to point it out all the time.

After making up and making the SWEET fort (that I’m currently in as I type) we hung out, had our picnic, danced salsa (He’s learning because he knows it’s important to me), drank wine, and played the letters game.

You decide on a letter and take turns saying words that start with it. Names aren’t allowed and neither are repeats. If you look away or laugh you lose.

I distinctly remember laying on my back in the middle of the bed, resting my head on a pillow, and Andy hovering over me, a big smile on his face while we took turns, trying to make each other laugh by saying words in funny voices.

And I felt so beautiful. Not that I didn’t before. I just really noticed it in that moment. The way he was looking at me reminded me of it.

No relationship is perfect. No man is perfect. I’m certainly not perfect.

But today, sitting here in this fort that makes me feel safe and reminds me of all the things I learned in 24 hours, I feel perfect. I feel right.

I feel happy.


P.S. Andy’s dad wants to meet me! We are all having dinner soon. I’m really excited that our relationship is actually becoming something in the real world.


Saving for a trip

So I’m going to visit Chicago from June 30th-July 5th! I decided I wanted to surprise my mom for her birthday on July 2nd, so I’m really excited because she’ll have no idea I’m coming.

Also, Andy is coming with me! We’re making a plan to save up for the trip (it’s his first vacation), and he’s going to meet my family. I can’t really explain how excited I am, so I’m not even going to try.

Anyway it reminds me of when I decided to move to Austin. I was very, very determined and ready to do whatever it took to get here. Now I’m doing the same thing, but with someone else, so it’ll be easier to hold each other accountable. I’ve saved up once, and I can do it again. I’m no longer someone that can’t see her goals clearly enough to save for them.

I will admit, I’m still quite impulsive, but as long as I stay determined, I’ll be fine!

We’ll be fine!

Another part of it is that for my mom’s birthday I wanted to see if I could pay for a cruise on Lake Michigan for her, my stepdad, Andy, and me to have dinner and see fireworks.

If I want to do that I’m going to have to save around $800 on top of the trip itself.

Now this wasn’t a reality a few weeks ago. I know that you remember I had to ask my mom for money recently. It’s okay though because I just got an amazing job! $15 an hour and it’s full time. I can do this! You might think it’s too soon to think about a trip in July, but I beg to differ. It’s never too soon to figure your shit out.

We have a little over four months before the trip. That’s almost exactly the same amount of time I had before I first moved here. Wish us luck!


What happens when you’re not afraid to love anymore?


Friends, My 22nd birthday was more amazing than I could’ve ever imagined.

Not because everything was absolutely perfect. (Though it came amazingly close to perfect).

Not because I got money or was showered with many gifts from many people.

Not even because I planned everything to the tee (which if you know me, you know I do often).

It was because, as I said in a recent post, I have the control now.

I chose to have fun. I chose to be happy. I chose to accept the bad and treasure the good.

My actual birthday, January 30th at 12am, was spent with Andy at his place. He picked me up and we got junk food and beer, watched How I Met Your Mother, and waited as I counted down the minutes to my birthday. Finally when I checked the clock again it was 12:01 and I burst forth in joy!

I had to wake up pretty early because Andy had work that day. On those days he drives me home and heads off to work before the sun comes up. Yet he still lets me sleep over and sacrifices losing sleep to spend time with me. And he always walks me to my door every morning without fail. I got home and slept for quite a while. Woke up around 2 and my friend who was giving me her bed gave me a call to let me know she was on her way.

I finally have a bed!

I got some amazing bithday news from my mom. My college finally pardoned my blaance from the semester that I withdrew from a year ago. Once I pay off a couple hundred dollars I get to finish my last year and a half of college! (a $600 balance beats $6,000 any day).

By the time my bed was in my apartment I only had an hour to get ready for my birthday date with Andy!

Boy oh boy. What an amazing date.

I’m still so shocked that a man like Andy exists.

Well, no. Let me rephrase that. I’m still so shocked that a man like Andy exists, and he’s mine. 

10942610_10152691768461274_7074217160666691343_nI wore an orange dress and beige heels. The first time I was that dressed up in Austin. I was so nervous and excited that I couldn’t stop looking at my reflection. hoping that any imperfection would be spotted and taken care of before Andy could see it.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I took a deep breath and opened it.

And there in front of me was a man. Handsome as all hell. Wearing dress pants, a purple dress shirt, and a black vest.

And the biggest smile that most likely matched mine. He said I looked stunning. Stunning. That is my new favorite word.

On our car ride over to spot #1 (I didn’t know anything about the night until it happened) he started talking about air fresheners and how he feels like they don’t work. Then he mentioned he thinks he has some in the glove compartment.

“Will you grab them out of the glove compartment for me?”

I sensed something was happening. He sounded very different from the way he usually talked.

So I opened the glove compartment, and there were air fresheners… but behind those was my absolute favorite movie on DVD! The Wedding Singer.

1464700_10152689455721274_50906945711968320_nSuddenly I had a flashback to the night I told him how much I loved the movie and how I was bummed I still didn’t own it. That was about two beers in at a bar, and I didn’t realize he kept it in mind.

I beamed with delight and pretty much freaked out about it. (May have teared up a little. Gifts do that to me.)

Seeing me smile made him so happy. It reminded me of when I’d try to surprise my exes and any glimpse of happiness I got from them would send me to the moon. Only this time I was the one being surprised. I was the one getting what I deserve.

And I realized he’s the one person who deserves it from me, too.

Spot #1 was this really cool speakeasy called Midnight Cowboy. Outside of it there are multiple buzzers, and you have to push the right one for them to let you in. They make signature mixed drinks there. We both got a drink and they made mine in front of me.food_feature2

And then after we tried them, Andy asked me what I wanted to get next. And in my goofy thought process I asked, “We’re getting another round?”

I was so used to dating guys that made me feel bad if I wanted dessert, or another round, or pretty much anything that was above the bare minimum.

He laughed and nodded. Possibly a little bit confused on why that was so surprising.

Those other guys… that’s not who he is at all.

Two drinks were more than enough to get me pretty tipsy though, and dinner was next, which meant wine. So we headed out to the restaurant, Annie’s.



I had the most killer salmon in the whole world, and a glass of 1443041706wine to match. They even gave me a free brownie for my birthday which was cool!

After that we went to a place called The Elephant Room. They are a bar that play jazz music. We both love Jazz so it was the perfect place. There wasn’t really any room for dancing, but the thing about Andy is that I knew if I wanted to dance with him later we could. I wasn’t desperate to dance with him because he’s always willing to dance with me. That is something I love so much because dancing is so important to me.

We both got a beer there and enjoyed the Jazz. Then headed out because my friend had a going away party she invited me to, and I wanted to say goodbye. I accidentally typed the wrong street into the GPS Stonelake instead of Stoanoake. We ended up on the complete other side of town! (After 4 drinks I am no longer trustworthy with a GPS, or many other things!) And I apologized my head off while Andy laughed and assured me that it was okay.

We got to the party and I had a blast! Hung out with some friends, got to introduce them to Andy, and I got to see how he reacted to a group of strangers he had to mingle with. He was a complete gentleman and he impressed me so much. He mingled with me, without me, and always checked on me to make sure I was alright, but never tried to cut me off or embarrass me in front of others.

Even when my clumsy tipsy ass spilled a drink on his shoes.

Oh Jess.

Anyway we left and I was pretty gone. But it’s alright because it was my birthday! It was a celebration, and it was a great time. Andy took care of me and luckily I wasn’t too hard to deal with. I just kept falling asleep as I walked. For some reason when I’m really drunk I tend to fall asleep at random moments. It sounds funny but when you’re trying to keep me awake and get me into a car or house it doesn’t seem like it’d be that fun.

Luckily we were able to laugh about it in the morning. We stayed in till 3pm. We talked about the night before, we laughed about my drunk mishaps, he told me all of the sweet things I was telling him while he was trying to get me home safely… a genuine smile on his face, happiness in his eyes that intensified even more when I told him that everything I said was how I really felt about him. We watched The Wedding Singer, and then went to Denny’s for my free Grand slam! Then we had to part ways because I had to get ready for the party and he had to work on my SECOND gift in his woodshop.

He’s the absolute sweetest.

So to answer the question in my title, “What happens when you’re not afraid to love anymore?”

You get to enjoy the love that you know you deserve.

I’ll dive into my party story tomorrow. Tonight, I am scouring Pinterest for Valentine’s Day Ideas. I decided I wanted to be in charge of it so that I could surprise him this time.

I remember with Joseph I always pretended to hate Valentine’s Day. He hated it. Thought it was too lovey dovey. Same with any public displays of affection, any indication that we were happy together. (we used to talk about how long we’d been together with disgust. We said it jokingly, but I don’t know if it was all truly a joke or not.) Our relationship was filled with the hatred of random things. I don’t really know why. I guess I didn’t care about it because it never felt right.

But now, with Andy, it feels wrong not to celebrate the amazing person I’ve found.



Allowing Yourself To Be Sad


Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be sad.

It’s difficult, but if you don’t do it, you’ll just be pushing it down till you can’t handle it anymore and it all comes out at once.
That’s when suicidal thoughts get ahold of you.

Let me be clear: Pain is inevitable.

“You will always feel pain at one point in life or another. But what you choose to do about the pain is key. You can be sad and take it day by day, or you can make yourself suffer.

Suffering is completely your choice. It’s optional. It doesn’t make the situation better, it doesn’t change anything. It just hurts you.

Allow yourself to feel pain, but don’t dwell on negative things.

For example, if you’re grieving the end of a relationship you can allow yourself to reflect on it and remember good times. You can think about what you loved about the person, yourself, and the relationship and know what you want to take with you to your next one.

But choosing to picture that person with someone else day in and day out, or telling yourself that the pain is never-ending isn’t fair.

Don’t do that to yourself.

The pain sucks, but it will subside.

That pain will seem so far away someday.

It will feel so foreign. You’ll forget what the pain even felt like. 

But only when you allow yourself to grieve will you someday be able to look back and say, “I’m okay now.”

So no matter what I’m dealing with pain-wise I’m going to keep this in mind. It doesn’t just work for relationships. It works for any kind of pain.

I’ll listen to my bittersweet band (Band of Horses) and just sit with the pain.

It’s a comfort to know that I can cry it out knowing I’ll push through the pain eventually.

Good luck. I believe in you.


Making a Relationship Official


To be honest I just wanted to share the awesome day that I had with him. He is legitimately the sweetest, most respectful, and most caring man I’ve ever been with.

Took him long enough to get here!

ah, well technically it’s on me. You see it took me six more years to be born, so there’s that. And then I waited almost 22 years to move to this city.

It’s just funny. In August when I came here on vacation, I felt such a pull from Austin. A pull I had never experienced from a place before. I didn’t even know he existed when I started planning the move. When we stared talking it was November. I was already living with my family, getting ready to say goodbye to Chicago. And even then I didn’t know how I’d feel about him. Ever since I came to visit I wanted to live here so badly. So badly that I couldn’t wait a year, I had to live here in 2015.

And now I feel like I know why.

I may be wrong.

But right now in this moment, I’m right.

He’s it for me right now.

Maybe even for longer.

I plan on enjoying every second of it regardless.

I’m going to post about the day we decided to make it official a little bit later.

I’m not a relationship genius by any means, but I will say that I’ve been in quite a few relationships with different dynamics. Take it from someone who was never single by choice between the ages of 15 and 20: it means so much more to fall for someone when you’re ready as opposed to when you’re trying to get over someone else.

I waited almost a year being happily single. It was important to me. I would’ve waited even longer had I thought that he wasn’t right for me. But he treats me the way I should be treated, he cares about me just as much as I care about him, and I feel like I’m ready now.

But I’m also not afraid to be single anymore, so I know that if this person doesn’t treat me right, I’m more than capable of ending it.

Here’s to hoping he continues to be as amazing as he is now.


In a Relationship.


That’s right.

We’re in a relationship.

He’s my boyfriend.

He’s my friend.

He’s my partner in crime.

He’s amazing. We’re amazing.

And you know what?

He makes me feel amazing for being me.

I feel no need to impress him or make him like me.

He already does… because I’m me.

When I want to make him laugh, I say things I would actually say, not what I think he wants to hear.

and you know what, he laughs!

When he smiles at me, I can see the genuine feelings we share.

When he kisses me on the forehead I feel like the only person in the world that matters.

But most importantly, when I think of seeing him, I don’t think about the physical stuff. It’s there, it’s great, and it’s part of the relationship… but I think of spending time with him.

Wondering what he’s going to say to make me laugh today.

Wondering what new song he’ll show me.

Wondering what else we’ll have in common.

I swear we can read each other’s minds sometimes. We are so in sync. 

It’s absolutely bizarrely surreal.

So this is what it’s supposed to feel like!

My past relationships weren’t even remotely like this.

This feels different.

This is different.

This is us.

This once single sassy blogger now comes with extra sassiness and a bit of love in her heart!

Friends… I’m ready for this!


One Night Stands


After my last relationship ended I was pretty lost when it came to casual situations. I had never been in one before. I had literally never had sex with someone I didn’t have feelings for. I didn’t really know how it would make me feel or if it was something I’d enjoy.

I remember going to lunch with my best friend Roxy the day after my first one night stand. 

“Am I supposed to call him? Or maybe add him on facebook? Should I ask him to have dinner or something?”

Roxy gave me a horrified look.

“No. That’s not how it works. You like sex, he likes sex, you both wanted to have sex so it happened. Now you can go on with your life feeling satisfied. You never have to talk to him again. Unless he was really good at it. Then you can add him to your list.”

“My list?”

“Yeah. When you want it again.”


I did talk to him one more time after that, but nothing ever came of it. I found that it was actually kind of cool. You have no ties to anyone, yet you get physical satisfaction. You never feel smothered, but if you’re feeling lonely you can call someone up to cuddle with.

It was like the perfect set up. 

As time went by I started to settle into the routine of going out every weekend and having one night stands with gorgeous guys, and waking up the next day feeling pretty great.

I always thought I’d feel dirty or guilty afterwards, but to be honest I felt absolutely empowered. It was just another way I had control over my life. I was becoming this independent woman that didn’t need a relationship. Someone that was very okay being alone sometimes. Someone who’s mere curiosity would lead me to satisfying it.

It was exhilarating. 

Of course with that lifestyle it is always good to get tested and be safe, which I was.10885249_10152662872581274_1100190970684781387_n

It’s been a little under a year now since I started living the single life. I hadn’t really gone out to bars on a weekend here up until yesterday. I was super excited to see what Austin had to offer. The nightlife in Chicago is quite exciting.

I usually always went out by myself. It’s more fun that way. No one to take care of, no one to hold you back from going where you want, and you get to meet the coolest people because you’re forced out of your usual friends and comfort zone.

So last night I went to Austin’s famous “Dirty Sixth” to do my thing. It’s this huge street of bars and usually the whole place is shut down so that cars can’t drive through it.

I met an array of really cool people including this guy named Antonio. He was pretty handsome, and very nice. He got me a drink and we talked about Austin because he just moved here too. He’s from California. It was a really great start to my night, but I didn’t really want to stick to hanging with the same person all night, so I said thank you and headed to another bar.

I met a girl from Chicago and her co worker in the bathroom and we became fast friends! They took me to a bunch of bars including a latin one, and we danced the night away! During one of my favorite latin songs a guy asked me to dance. I agreed. He was a really great dancer and was pretty darn gorgeous, and usually this would be the time I’d decide to lock him down and go home with him later, but for some reason it didn’t happen.

For the first time in a year I didn’t want to do that.

I think that it’s because I’m ready to try having a relationship again. Maybe with this new guy that I have feelings for, maybe with someone else someday if that doesn’t work out, but one night stands just aren’t doing it for me anymore.

haha, “doing it.”

Anyway the point is not one is better than the other, but it depends on where you are in your life which one feels right.

I guess that’s it. It’s time for me to turn the page on my love life.

I’m ready to get back in the carpool lane. I’m hoping the guy I’d like to take that step with is ready, too.

One more thing. I’ve had sex with strangers that meant nothing to me and that I felt nothing for, and it was pretty great. But let me tell you, sharing that moment with someone that you care about…

There’s nothing quite like it. 


When you know, you know. You know?


There are some things you just know right away.

The moment you just know for sure you’re going to like a movie as soon as you see the trailer.

The moment you just know for sure you stepped in gum.

The moment you just know who should and shouldn’t be in your life.

The moment you just know you’ve found what you were looking for.

The moment you just know things are right.

Everything is the way it’s supposed to be.

It may not be perfect, but it’s exactly right.

I never really believed in or understood the idea of “just knowing the moment something happens” on a greater scale than expecting to like a movie.

I guess I hoped it was true on a bigger scale of life.

Now I can say it.

I’m throwing caution to the wind. I literally don’t mind being judged or ridiculed.

The people that matter know who I am. They know me. They know when I mean something.

When you know, you know.

WordPress… This is the first time I can say the following with complete confidence.

I know.

I really mean it.

I don’t know how.

I can’t explain why.

All I can say is that this is what knowing feels like.

And this is the first time I’ve experienced anything even remotely like that.

I know.


Toxic People

Will you please leave me be?

I cannot breathe with pressure on me

you want me to be like you but

I’m not Hollow.

Will you stay far away?

You only know how to make me feel low

It’s because you feel low that you want me to follow

But I’m not hollow.

I wish you’d know

how hard it is to step out from behind your shadow

Let’s face it, that’s where I’ve always been

Always letting you win

Truth is If you actually cared

you wouldn’t want me standing there.

You ever have a conversation with someone that you think cares about you, and you find yourself leaving the conversation wondering if you’ve been insulted?

That was almost every interaction I had with Joseph.

I always just assumed he was trying to push me to be better or just making jokes, but eventually after a long time away from him, I realized he was trying to bump me down to his level.

It was his low self esteem that hurt our relationship. He felt that I was better than him in one way or another, so he tried to make me feel inferior to him.

Granted, him insulting me and making me feel worthless actually did make me improve certain parts of my life, so I guess it wasn’t all for nothing, but just because someone does shitty things to you and you thrive despite all of it doesn’t mean you owe them anything.

“Remember when you were fat Jessica and I couldn’t even hug you? At least now we’re at equal levels of attractiveness.”

“You’re messy, you take too long to get ready, you’re irresponsible, but I still love you despite all of the things you can’t do that you should be able to do at this age.”

“Don’t worry, Jess. It’s not your fault that you don’t get straight A’s. You went to public school.”

Fuck that guy.

I think the worst part of it all is that I unknowingly enabled it, though. I let him get away with it every time. And at first I thought that I should be extremely grateful for his help when I had depression, but now I’m starting to think on some level he liked me being depressed. It automatically made him in charge. He told me to go to therapy. He told me to take meds. He told me when I was cut off at every party.

And the moment I started to better my situation and overcome depression he was gone. Off to another girl who he claimed wasn’t as talented as he is in Cinematography. (And the cycle continues with someone else).

Joseph and I have cleared mostly everything up, and while I don’t hate or resent him, I won’t ever forget the things I had to learn the hard way through him.

I wish him all the happiness in the world, because part of the reason we didn’t work is the fact that he isn’t happy with himself. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

How could I not see that I was being treated so unfairly? It makes me worried for my future relationships. I just don’t want to be duped again for a whole other reason that I unknowingly go along with.


How not to fall for someone


So you want to make sure you don’t fall for someone? You want to make sure to stay single and keep your heart protected? 

The answer is simple. Don’t do what I’m doing.

——–Don’t start talking to someone two months before you move to Austin.

— Definitely don’t talk to him/her daily.

Don’t share your favorite songs with him/her only to realize he/she has similar taste.

Don’t share anything below the surface of who you are with him/her.

Don’t listen to anything that promotes thinking of him/her.

Do Not start daydreaming about what seeing them in person is going to be like.

Don’t get to know him/her on a more personal level.

Definitely don’t go on a date with him/her when you finally get here.

Don’t freak out minutes before he/she arrives to your house and take two shots of Jager.

Don’t stop breathing when you open the door and see him/her smiling at you.

Don’t have an amazing time. Just don’t.

Don’t fall for his/her undeniable charm.

Don’t smile to yourself when you realize that he/she is even funnier than he/she was over text.

Don’t realize how good it feels to feel something like this again.

Don’t kiss him/her goodnight.

Don’t continue to text back and forth daily.

For the love of God, don’t go on a second date.

–I’m warning you. Don’t do it.

Don’t sit on the same side of the booth.

Don’t drink two beers and a whiskey neat. It’ll make you too honest with yourself.

Don’t start thinking about how easy it is to hold a conversation with him/her.

Don’t start thinking about how similar you are.

Don’t let him/her make you laugh.

Don’t hold his/her hand.

Don’t admit to him/her that it feels so good to feel this way again in general.

Don’t let your stomach drop when he/she closes his eyes, nods, and smiles in agreement.

Don’t think about how nice it feels when he/she rubs the hand he/she is holding with such care.

Don’t let him/her make you let your guard down just by looking in your direction.

Definitely don’t kiss him/her goodnight again.

–And Don’t think about the fireworks after the kiss. Don’t do it.

Dear Lord, DO NOT let him/her kiss your forehead and make you feel like the only person that matters in that second.

And even if you do all of this. Even if you can’t control yourself and you let it get this far…

–If you want to keep your head above water, and survive this round of cupid’s wrath, just don’t cross this line.


Don’t go on a third date.

Because if you do…You will fall for him/her.

You will. 

Just trust me on this one.


Afraid To Love Someone Again


“What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That’s what you get for all your trouble
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again”

“Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars, any heart
Not tough. Or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain”

If the greats are singing about it, then the fear of love must be real. I am not alone.



If you’ve read my blog for a while now, you know that 2014 has been the roughest year for me for multiple reasons.

I dealt with the worst bout of my depression yet and survived an attempted suicide. I endured months of pain and suffering caused by my own brain. My father is now in prison and there’s a good chance he won’t ever be a part of my life again.

Yet none of those things seemed to have scarred me quite like getting my heart broken.

That may sound immature to some, but the truth is I simply can’t deny my feelings. In the Psychiatric hospitals and group therapy sessions I spent time in I heard, “your feelings are valid” time and time again, and to be honest… I believe that.

Denying how you feel is like denying that you’re eating an apple when you’re clearly eating an apple.

Okay, so not the best analogy. The point is it makes no sense to do such a thing. 

You’re eating an apple. Stop denying it. Why would you deny it to begin with?

If I never had depression, I wouldn’t have this blog that has brought me so much joy. I feel like depression has made me so much stronger and has given me a sense of purpose. Now that I have the depression under control I feel empowered. My 8 cities trip wouldn’t have come about had I not realized I have complete control over my life. Depression is terrible and unfair and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but damn it… I’m proud of who I’ve become because of it.

My father has never really been there for me. He hurt our family for many years until finally leaving us when I was eight. You can read all about him here. Hearing that he’d be in prison for twelve and a half years was devastating, but nevertheless it was no great loss. At least now he has a valid reason to miss the big moments in my life. Now he can’t hurt me anymore, because his verdict was the ultimate and final letdown of all.

My attempted suicide was tough. I had to cope with the fact that I was still very much alive when I really didn’t want to be. But upon hearing that my liver hadn’t failed and my body hadn’t let me down, I was forever changed. It made me start to listen in group therapy, appreciate the people in my life, cherish every day that I had to live on this earth, and start trying to get better despite my depressive systems trying to stop me.

All of these traumatic moments of this year have pushed me and changed me and my situation for the better.

Except one.

All of the times that Joseph broke my heart.

You know, I recently had dinner with him as a way to say goodbye. We both wanted to see each other before my move, and the last time I ran into him I felt nothing, so I figured it would be okay.

And it was.

We had dinner at our favorite thai restaurant, walked around the city and smoked cigarillos, he bought me a candy bar and we laughed and joked around like old times. For a second I had my best friend back and it felt so nice. So familiar.

But I just didn’t love him anymore, and that felt amazing. 

See, the problem isn’t that I still love him. The problem is that I feel like I wasted two and a half years of my life on someone that never appreciated me. Someone that – even from the beginning – didn’t feel the way I felt about him.

I remember the night he told me he loved me. It was four months into the relationship. We were watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off because I had never seen it before. Cuddled up on the couch and laughing at the movie. During the scene in which Ferris sings “twist and shout” I remember seeing Joseph turn to look at me in my peripherals. I figured he was just laughing at how much I was enjoying the scene, but then he said the three words that changed our relationship in an instant.

“I love you.”

I turned to face him with the biggest smile on my face. “I love you too.”

It’s a moment I’ll never forget, but not because he told me he loved me. No… that wasn’t the biggest shock of the night.

After the movie we said our goodbyes. I floated to my room on cloud nine and swore that life would never be this perfect. But life isn’t that perfect. It never is.



Two months before that he abruptly broke up with me, only to ask me if we could be together again two days later. I didn’t understand any of it, but because I used to be so dependent on relationships, I took him back. Little did I know I was going to find out soon enough.

I didn’t understand how I got so lucky. How I was able to call Joseph my boyfriend. We had a deep conversation about painful moments in our lives one night and he told me about how his ex girlfriend cheated on him. He said that it changed him and it was hard for him to trust. Hearing him say that was so disheartening. I just wanted to take away all of his pain and carry that load for him.

After replaying the “I love you” scene in my head a million times, I decided to browse Facebook. When I got on the page, I realized Joseph had used my computer and logged onto his profile.

I knew it wasn’t right to pry, but I truly, honestly wanted to see messages between him and his ex to better understand their relationship. He was right. She was pretty hurtful to him. It made me feel deeply sad for him. After reading it I felt like I knew him better. I felt like I knew how to be his girlfriend better. What he needed from me.

Then I thought it’d be fun to see what he had been saying about me to his friends.

I was absolutely and unequivocally wrong.

12/5, 12:31 pm

Lisa: how would Jessica feel about that statement?

12/5, 12:32am

Joseph: She Wouldn’t. Cuz we are not together.

12/5, 12:33am

Lisa: I thought u were..

werent u?

12/5, 12:34am

Joseph: yea we broke up today

12/5, 12:34am

Lisa: why??

12/5, 12:36am
Joseph: Because she wanted more out of the relationship than I did
its been almost 2 months
yet I still didn’t feel anything for her
I just began to see her as a friend
n so I didn’t want to lead her on.. so I decided to break up

12/5, 12:37am
Lisa: oh
I’m sorry

12/5, 12:38am
Joseph: It’s ok i guess. it weird cuz i’ve never actually broken up with someone
like being the breaker not the broken

12/5, 12:38am

Lisa: first for everything

12/5, 12:38am

Joseph: But at least its over now

12/5, 12:42am

Lisa: its a shame though
i liked her

for u

12/5, 12:43am

Joseph: she wasn’t the right person
i was never really happy

12/5, 12:43am

Lisa: why is that

12/5, 12:43am

Joseph: n she did one too many things that irritated me.
that nice warm feeling you get when you see someone you really like
yea that never happened
i care bout her
n like her
but as a friend
it’s not that she isn’t trust worthy, or honest, or caring
it’s just that there simply is something missing inside. we didn’t quite click.

What’s worse is the girl he was talking to about this was the girl that he had feelings for while we were together. I only found out because I read another message thread between him and another friend.

I remember how often he’d talk about her, and one day I just had to ask if he had feelings for her.

He looked me dead in the eye and denied it. 

Why do I still have this message thread after all this time you ask? To remind me that I’m not missing out on anything. To remind me that he wasn’t as perfect as my heart wanted to believe. To remind me that Joseph – at least 90% of the time – was a complete dick to me. 

Why did I stay with him even after reading this and confronting him about it you ask? Because I loved him. And frankly, that turned me into a fucking idiot. I always try so hard to see the good in people, that I become completely blind to their flaws. I was so convinced that that was in the past and that maybe I was annoying sometimes. I was so convinced that that’s what I deserved.

Now I know that that’s a lie.

But still… throughout our entire relationship I felt unsatisfied, unsure, and unappreciated. I did too many things to count and I went above and beyond for him no matter what. He never seemed to do that for me. You can read an example here.

I don’t want to go through that again. I want to love and be loved. I want someone who does things for me as I do for them. I don’t want some storybook perfect man. I just want to be treated the way I treat the person I’m with. I’m afraid that no matter who I date I will always be the one that loves the other person more. I never used to be afraid of opening up to someone.

He changed that about me.

I hate that he changed that about me.

Here I am, almost a year after our breakup, and I’m afraid to have true feelings for someone. I’m afraid to go above and beyond for any guy, because I don’t want to waste my time. I’m afraid of getting my heart broken again.

And there he is… six months into his relationship with a girl he claimed he only wanted to date casually. Just by him giving me a few details about their relationship I already know that she is being treated better than I was.

I’m not jealous anymore because I don’t want him anymore. Not after finally opening my eyes and realizing all of the harm that came out of that relationship. I just want to be able to move forward in my love life, and I can’t seem to get over all of the nasty things he did to me.

I just want to be in love someday. I don’t want to be blindsided anymore. I want to be treated right, and I’m afraid that there are just more Joseph’s lining up at my door as I type.


Right now at this very moment….


I wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if he wonders what I’m doing. I know he’s out there, I just have no clue where in this big old world he finds himself today, or how I’m going to meet him.

Sometimes I wish I just knew so that I wouldn’t waste my time hurting over anyone else… ever.

Wherever you are, I love you.

And if that makes me cheesy, then I’m cheesy.

If that makes me unrealistic, then I know I’m being me. Plenty of people have said my goals are unrealistic.

And I’ve always proved them wrong.

So, you live your life as planned, and so will I. Then someday when we least expect it, our lives will merge.

I’ll bump right into you and somehow …. maybe right away, maybe not, but somehow… we’ll know. You and I. This is it.

And I’ll wonder why the hell I worried so much.

My dear future, I cannot wait to meet you.


Elaborating on my morning musings…I may be open to a Relationship someday.

A new version of my favorite song of all time. The police’s version is obviously the best. 

I said I’d do part two of the ecstasy story. I’ll make it quick because it’s pretty irrelevant.

-Threw up.

-Tripped out for the most intense part of my high.

-Made out with Sam all night.

-Danced the night away.

-Realized I might be ready for a real relationship someday.

I don’t feel a sense of urgency to find the person I’m going to date next. It just feels really good to know that I’m not this closed-minded bitter person anymore. Now I don’t feel the pain of my last relationship. Now I know what I deserve.

I plan on waiting for the person that knows how much I deserve as well. Someone dependable. Someone smart. Someone that challenges me but also celebrates me.


There is no perfect person, no perfect man. But what if there’s someone out there that is perfect for me?

Is it possible?

My favorite show of all time is How I Met Your Mother. I’m obsessed with it. I’ve probably seen all 9 seasons over five times.


Anyway, the last season really stuck with me. Ted and Tracy were so wonderful together. There’s an episode where you learn all about what the mother has been doing all this time, and there are so many beautiful similarities between them.

Last Forever: Part One

After my break up, I remember feeling like that could never happen. Feeling like it’s only a TV show and it couldn’t ever apply to my life.

But what if it could?

I don’t like to ask “what if?”

So naturally I’m never going to settle for less than the man that I know has to be out there somewhere. I just hope that something in me will click, and I’ll just know.


One night when Joseph and I had been separated for about two months, I slept over at his place because we had just finished a wedding shoot and it was late. (excuses). We actually watched the How I Met Your Mother season finale, and I was in tears most of the episode. 

After the show had ended we went to his living room and sat on the couch together. I wrapped my arms around his torso and laid my head on his chest.

We sat there in silence as I looked up at him. He was staring off in space with the most calm expression on his face. Like he had made peace with everything around him. His lips parted and I waited in anticipation…

“I don’t know why or how, but I just know that we’re going to end up together someday. We’re meant for each other.”

Suddenly peace washed over me as well. I didn’t think about my depression or anxiety, I didn’t worry about my future plans or the rocky relationship that was before me. 

” I can’t picture myself with anyone else.”

He nodded and continued staring ahead.

We didn’t speak for the rest of the night and I fell asleep in his arms.

I didn’t necessarily think we were meant to be, I just had this weird, kind of sad feeling that we were stuck with each other. At one point I had convinced myself that we were meant for each other, and then in a blink of an eye everything changed.


Now I realize that we were both kidding ourselves. Joseph is now with someone else and I’d like to believe that he’s happy and doing well.

I missed him by a week. That had to be fate. I now realize that going back to him was a mistake, but one I had to make in order to let him go. Never ask what if, right?


Him turning me down…That had to mean that we weren’t meant for each other.

It has to mean someone, somewhere is looking out for me.

I’m not religious (anymore), so I’m just going to call it the universe. [[Just like in How I Met Your Mother.]]

The Universe had to have been looking out for us when I decided to ask Joseph to be with me again. He found someone and a week later [not knowing he was dating someone else] I professed my feelings about our relationship to him.

A week.

It took him a week to change his mind about me and us and everything we had. I’m not saying this angrily. I’m saying it with astonishment. It HAD to have been the universe.

I’m guilty of believing in signs, fate, and destiny. I just am, okay? I’ll always be that person. But when it comes to love and relationships, I don’t know which way is up. I just have no idea what’s ahead of me. Who’s ahead of me.

How Your Mother Met Me

What if he’s in Austin? Or Dublin? Maybe Toronto? What if I already met him, but we just haven’t clicked that way yet? What if I’ve crossed paths with him already?

All of this is making my head hurt. So until then, I just plan on being my beautiful, sassy, single self, and letting love find me.


I can’t wait.


p.s. If you’re a HIMYM fan and you’re wondering, the answer is YES I loved the ending. I knew that Ted and Robin were going to end up together. Ted and Tracy were perfect for each other, but Tracy passed away, and Ted and Robin have always loved each other. The timing just finally made sense.


But just because it happened in Ted’s life doesn’t mean that’s how I want mine to work out! See ya, gonna watch HIMYM!

I saw Joseph today: Having control over your own life

It was bound to happen eventually. I’m still a teacher’s assistant at Columbia College and that’s where we met in the first place. If you just joined my blog you can find some backstory on us here, here, here, and here.
Here’s the thing. Last time I saw him was almost five months ago. We had lunch. That was also the day I posted “The Ledge”. You can read it here. That day I thought I was ready to see him. For some ridiculous reason I thought I could handle it. I had only been on wellbutrin for less than a week, and he had just broken my heart less than a month ago. But not seeing him for that month was so difficult. He was my best friend in the whole world for almost three years. The day I saw him I had a session with Theresa. She obviously wasn’t going to tell me that I couldn’t go, but it was pretty clear that she wasn’t exactly for the idea. She knew better than I did that I was nowhere near ready to see him. Not just her, but Roxy, too.

We had lunch and I had one fry. I couldn’t even think about eating. I was so confident up until the moment I saw him. Suddenly my self esteem was dead. He didn’t say I looked beautiful, or that he missed me. My daydreaming about us locking eyes and him smiling at me and realizing he can’t live without me were pretty farfetched to say the least. No, instead we sat there in a pool of awkwardness while he gushed about his new window washing girlfriend.

He had all the power. He had complete control over me even if he didn’t want it.


My heart was broken all over again. He walked me to my bus and waited with me. As the bus arrived he hugged me, and somewhere in the five seconds that we hugged the bus took off. So there we were once again, waiting. I don’t remember how this started but we hugged again, and this time we held on. I said, “You were my best friend for so long.” He said, “Yes, and you were mine.”

Then I boarded the bus and proceeded to cry my eyes out until I arrived to work for my ten hour shift. After my shift, my friend Susan had to talk me off the ledge.

Naturally, the idea of seeing him again on campus scared me. I wasn’t sure how I’d react. I assumed that I’d cry again. Sometimes I’d picture myself just walking right past him. Sometimes his girlfriend was there with him, sometimes she wasn’t. I pictured so many things that could happen, and when the moment did come, it was nothing like I thought it’d be.

And it was weird because all day I had a feeling I’d be seeing him. And as I walked into the building that I TA in, I saw Roxy waving on the other side of the lobby. I was so excited to see her that I ran up to her, not fully realizing that Joseph was right behind her talking to one of our friends.

I caught up with Roxy for a bit, anxious for him to turn around and say hello. Eventually he saw me and we hugged.

And I felt nothing.


Not sad, not happy, not scared, not depressed.

He did not move me emotionally whatsoever.

For lack of a better phrase, FUCK YES.

I’m officially over it. If I didn’t know before I definitely know it now.

He said that he heard I’m moving to Austin, and we talked about it for a while. When I mentioned that I was saving up and that I was proud of myself for being able to save since I never could in the past, he said, “Yeah, I know. I know you.”

Seems that isn’t the case anymore. He no longer knows me. He will never know me again. And that is my choice. In two months I’ll be gone and I’m leaving him and everything else in the dust.

To be honest, even if I wasn’t physically moving,  metaphorically speaking, I’ve already left him behind.

I’m in control of me now. He no longer pulls my heartstrings or makes me feel like crap about myself.

He seemed to be doing well, which actually made me happy. Having depression I don’t really wish unhappiness on anyone. Besides, he doesn’t have to be miserable for me to be happy.

I’m happy!

I could feel how proud Roxy was that I was okay seeing him. We talked about my family, Khaleesi, my plans, and when we all had to part ways for class we hugged goodbye once more.

This time I didn’t care what he thought about my hair or outfit. I knew I looked hot and he didn’t need to say anything to validate that for me. This time I didn’t care what he was thinking, or if he was over me, or if he secretly missed me. I just didn’t feel the need to.

I walked into the elevator with the biggest smile on my face.

The only way to know for sure was to put it to the test, and I finally got the chance to.

I’ve done it, friends. I’ve gotten over the first man that I’ve ever genuinely loved.

And now I’m officially set free.

I’ve overcome my parents’ divorce, mental, physical, and sexual abuse, depression, failed relationships, my father’s imprisonment; Hell, I’ve even overcome nearly dying a few times, and now, I’ve overcome Joseph.

The Jessmeister can and will overcome whatever is thrown her way.

There’s a moment in your life when you realize you’re a badass. This is that moment for me.



My friends and I at a local bar. Life is good.

When he doesn’t call…

When he doesn’t call…

Who cares?

As my best friend, Roxy says. “On to the next one.”

There are so many people out there, why do we always get so worked up over one?

My wish for us (not just women but anyone who falls for people easily) is that we save ourselves the grief of waiting around for someone who won’t even give you the time of day.

Roxy has many wonderful life lessons. I still don’t know how she is so wise at 22, but she’s like my single life guru. She’s been single by choice since the day I met her and she never accepts anything less than what she deserves.

Why do other people (including myself) always settle?

Why do we think that another person’s actions define us as people?

We have to stop thinking these irrational thoughts and get real.

He won’t call you? On to the next one.

He never responds? On to the next one.

He doesn’t appreciate anything you do? On to the next one.

He doesn’t put you first in any situation? On to the next one.

I could go on forever, but I think you get the point.

Don’t sweat guys that don’t sweat you.



Old News

When I first heard the words “This is happening, Jess. We can’t try again” I was completely devastated.

There’s a moment…

A moment in everyone’s process of moving on in which the other person feels like old news.

This is that moment for me.

I don’t think anything around you has to change. You can be alone and doing your own thing and it’ll just dawn on you one day. You’re happy for the other person and whomever they choose to start a new relationship with. You’re excited about who’s yet to come. And your dreams of the other person “coming to their senses” and wanting to be with you again seem ridiculous to you.

And the best part? I did it alone.

I didn’t need to be in a relationship with anyone else to get over him. I did it on my own, which means I really got over it. There are no feelings to hide. No mask. No distraction. I hit the problem head on and now I’m free!

Of course I still love him as a person, and I forgive him for any pain he’s caused me, and I hope he’s forgiven me too. I have no anger towards him. It’s just gone and out of my system.

I’m so proud of myself, friends.


Wellbutrin day 14. For some reason I thought it was 11, but I just counted and I was wrong. So yay! I’m further than I thought.

I think it’s working! But maybe it’s the placebo effect…. either way I’m feeling better.

side effects are gone, and i feel motivated to go to work and get stuff done.

Today is pretty much dope.

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Let’s be lonely together

First off, I love Fleetwood Mac.

And this song has gotten me through this incredibly difficult breakup. I’m so close to being completely free from it, it’s crazy.

Second, I ate three meals today! woot woot!

Back to the breakup

As I said, I’m not used to being single.

One thing I’ve realized is being single can get really lonely.

But I’d rather be alone and work through my shit than jump into a relationship and hide from it.

Make no mistake. Nate and I had a really wonderful date. And he is an amazing friend. The date we had opened my eyes to the fact that my last relationship had many issues. It made me realize that no matter what I go through I can still get up and feel again. But I am not ready to commit again for X amount of years. I still have a vision. And I still need to get better.

I’ll be damned if anyone by my side took that away from me.

So if you’re single and you sometimes get lonely, let’s be lonely together.

I’m always here to talk with anyone who needs/wants it, and even though I don’t know everyone on WordPress personally, I already feel close to some of you.

Some of you have gone out of your way to read all of my posts and like them. Some have left wonderfully insightful comments. You’ll never know how much I appreciate that.

Tonight, I don’t feel lonely.

Tonight I don’t miss him.

Tonight I feel really good being me.

Tonight, this blog will once again save me from suffering.

Every time I post something new and get it off my chest I feel immensely empowered.

I hope that when you read my posts, you feel empowered too.

It’s funny, some people have this flawed idea that the first person who moves on “wins”. I think it’s the other way around. I think the “winner” is the person that was able to stand on their own two feet after getting their heart shattered into a million pieces. That person is (in laymen’s terms) A mothafuckin’ boss.

This breakup almost killed me (literally).

And here I am, blogging, working, singing, being social, beating depression… without him. I can and will live without him.

He can go his own way.

Once again: Being single isn’t easy, but I’ve learned so much about myself in these four months that I’m nowhere near ready to let this go. Jumping into relationship after relationship is for the weak.

And I am not weak.


p.s. please enjoy this awesome cat ring. (I love it).

Photo on 7-11-14 at 1.48 AM

To: The One

I’ve been in love before.

He was everything to me.

But he wasn’t you.

And somehow, I knew.

When I wanted him again

he refused.

I missed him by a week.

a touch of fate for me.

My dad is gone.

and so is he.

but I know someday

you’ll be there for me.

The only man I need.

You’ll be kind.

You will care.

Won’t want to be anywhere

anywhere but in my arms.

Sometimes I falter.

I cry for another.

I seem to forget

I haven’t met you yet.

But you’re out there somewhere

getting yourself together

Just like I’m still here

surviving stormy weather

It will be a dream

to spend my life with you.

We’ll have the greatest love.

You’ll always follow through.

I will never let you go

I would call myself a fool

All the other loves

will seem so miniscule.

They say there are no soulmates

no one and only one.

but I will never stop believing

and you’ll never be outdone

The bookmarks we may encounter

we’ll leave on scattered pages

because we’ll both somehow know

they’re only temporary gages.

I won’t ask you to hurry

Because I’m still not ready

And rushing in a flurry

Has never left me steady

Perhaps when I first meet you

I won’t know it from the start

But someday it will click

that you were meant to have my heart.

Take all the time you need

Things will happen when they do

And until then, my soul’s duet

I’ll be seeing you.


No matter how many times people tell me that there is no such thing as a soulmate, I will always be the hopeless romantic that I am. There’s a reason why my past relationships didn’t work. And for me, it always came down to not wholeheartedly feeling like they were the one. I’m going to meet the guy for me someday, and when I get to know him, I’ll finally thank all the other people that hurt me. They made way for the amazing person that I’m meant to be with, and vice versa.

To my past loves, it was a pleasure knowing you for a little while.

To my future loves, I’m sorry if things don’t work out.

To my soul mate. I’ll be seeing you.



New Chapter (Goodbye)

We collided

There’s no easy way to say it.

couldn’t survive it

But I’m happy I didn’t break you.

And if I did I hope she fixes you.

My wish for you is to mesh with someone

like we never could.

My blessing isn’t empty

and I don’t know if I should

it’s incredibly hard to give.

You were always my best friend.

But as they always do

things will work out in the end.

Still, what we had is not easily erased

All that time I thought I had been replaced.

But that wasn’t the case

And our love will always matter

So I finally decided that I can’t be mad at her.

You’ll always have a place in this recovering heart.

I remember all the good times in this time we’ve had apart

autumn days

rainy nights

a guitar and a mic

infinite moments

a beautiful life.

That life is over now

and it’s time to stay strong

let go of you

and try to move on

I’m going at it alone for now

because I feel I must

but sometimes it still hurts

that you let go of us.

Every day my goal gets nearer

I see the finish line is clearer

I’ll always remember the scar

above your left eye

and how you held me

when I used to cry.

And now it’s time

for this chapter to end

Goodbye my once loved, my beautiful friend.

original_zps487d6eda copy

The Ledge

I got talked off the ledge today.
As has happened many times before.
Each time makes me feel more hopeless.
Each time I get off the ledge makes me feel stronger.

One day the pain will subside.
One day I’ll fall in love again.
One day I’ll have a family.
One day I’ll be happy.

But I can’t have any of that if I’m not here anymore.
Suicide isn’t the way to feel better. It’s the end.
You don’t feel anything.

People will miss you… but eventually they’ll move on with their lives.
You’re the only one who gets the short end of the stick.

There’s a huge part of me that wants to live,
but sometimes suicide feels like the only option.

If you don’t want to live for you… If you can’t live for anyone else.

Live for future you.

Give that person a chance to be happy. Give them a chance to be alive.

One day the ledge will disappear, and I won’t see it as a way out.
One day things will be different.
Curiosity keeps me alive.


Photo on 7-4-14 at 4.13 AM #2

“Not in this beautiful apartment.

Not in this beautiful city.

Not while people still love you.

Not while people are still hiring.

Not while you’ve still got so many people to meet.

Not in this life you’ve been given.

What’s one more day?”


As of March 1st, 2014 at about 2am, I am a single woman. (I remember times and dates like no one else).

Two and a half years of my life were spent with the same person and then suddenly it was gone and I had to figure out a way to be myself again.

This post isn’t about him. Or the other young men I’ve been in relationships with. This is about my confusion with dating.

But of course, a little backstory doesn’t hurt.

I started dating when I was in the seventh grade. I had always been pretty boy crazy. I liked the idea of being in love with someone. Of course a seventh grader doesn’t really know how to love someone, and my first serious boyfriend didn’t come till I was fifteen. I wouldn’t actually be single again for five years.

I’ve had three big defining relationships in my life. The first when I was fifteen. The second when I was seventeen. The Third when I was eighteen going on nineteen.

The first was passionate, but short-lived. We lasted 8 months. But those eight months were a roller coaster ride of infatuation, desire, and drama.

The second was one-sided. I loved him and he used me. We lasted a little under two years. We lived together when I was eighteen and I worked full time and paid for everything. He promised we’d go to college together, and when the time came, he backed out. So I stopped being a doormat and got the hell out of there.

The third is the most difficult and bittersweet, perhaps because it’s the most recent one, or maybe because we filled our heads with ideas of marriage, family, and future endeavors together. We met freshman year of college and within two months we were an item. Now, here I am about to begin my senior year and I’ve never wanted to be single more.

I may elaborate on past relationships at a later time.

“I would rather be alone than pretend I feel alright.” -Ready to start by Arcade Fire

I feel like that’s me right now. I’m still not completely alright. It still hurts some days. But I know in my heart that I’m done. I’m “ready to start”. I’m ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. Being single and finding happiness within myself. I haven’t been single for more than five months since I was fifteen. It’s about time I get real. I need to be happy with myself before I’m happy with anyone else.

But dating…

Dating sounds fun. Having someone to casually see here and there. Someone that you don’t need but want around every once in a while. I just don’t really know where the line is. I don’t know how to date. Like I said… being single is very new to me.

Someone suggested Okcupid. I was on it all but one month and then asked myself “What am I doing?”

I’m not an online dater. That’s just not me. I like the idea of meeting a cute stranger on the train, or on a walk, or at a bar. That’s just who I am.

Okcupid, Stop trying to make dating happen. It’s not going to happen.

At least not your way.

After my break up I rushed into dating quickly to lick my wounds. Didn’t work. The first guy I dated, Ben, was a pretty great distraction. He was punny (puns always get to me), handsome, and didn’t mind paying for things. He liked that most of the time I had the decency to pay for myself, though. I don’t believe in the woman just not paying ever. We spent most days talking, laughing, watching movies, and moving way too quickly. I met his friends, went out with them on weekends, we told each other that there were feelings there. At one point he even asked that I don’t see anyone else. After about a month things fizzled out because neither of us were ready for anything more, and it seemed to be headed in that direction. Plus, I was nowhere near over my ex.

The most important thing about Ben, though, is that he’s a grad student at a psych school, so he was there to help me on some nights that I couldn’t handle my depression. He’s the one that pushed me to go to therapy and see a psychiatrist about medication. I’ll always be grateful to him for that. We are still friends, and speak every once in a while, but if things kept going the way they were, we might have gotten into a relationship and ended badly.

No thank you.

After Ben I tried just hooking up with people. I thought to myself, “Is that what single people do?” But I still wasn’t ready. And I still don’t think I am. It’s just not me. I always feel the need to genuinely care about someone I’m seeing in any form of the word. So I gave up on that as well. It has now been about two months since then, and I think now, if anything, I’m ready to try casual dating again. I’m not going to push for it, I’m just going to let it happen.

Sometimes being alone makes me feel lonely. But I find solace in the fact that I’m choosing to be single. I’m not a desperate teenager latching onto the first guy that shows interest in me. Overlooking all the flaws between us and in the relationship just to try to keep it afloat. I’m going to be picky now. I’m not settling in any way.

One of the last things my ex said to me was this:

“You’re just not the one. You’re an amazing woman, but not for me. I just know there is someone out there for you, and I hope you don’t close your heart and pass him up because of me. Open up your heart.”

Nice words, but they burned. I remember for a long time I just kept saying it in my head.

Not the one.

Not the one. Not the one. Not the one. Not the one. Not the one. Not the one. Not the one.

It was only when I decided he also wasn’t the one for me that I was free. I am choosing to close that door. I’m choosing to accept someone else’s presence in my life. Maybe not a one night stand, or a friend with benefits. Definitely not a boyfriend. But someone in between. Someone who I enjoy spending time with. Someone who cares and actually likes me, but knows where we stand.

There may actually be someone that fits that description in my life right now. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Sometimes I wish I could be Khaleesi. Being a cat sounds a lot easier than being a twenty-one year old single chick.


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Jealousy is a nasty thing.

It can burn you to your core.

It can cause you to wish for terrible things to happen.

It can make you want to punch someone in the face.

It can also make you want to be better.

A better you.

Someone worthy of someone else’s jealousy.

Sometimes the jealousy isn’t even valid.

The person you think has it all… may not.

The person that you wish you could be… might wish they were someone else.

Don’t get caught up in jealousy.

The other person is probably not even worth it.

In my case, I know this to be true.

And I know that I have many likable traits.

Traits that this person could never have

because they aren’t me.

So to that person, I say… You no longer have a hold on me.

I refuse to be hurt by you anymore.

You aren’t worth my time, thoughts, or pain.

Today marks the day of me being my real, genuine, self.

Jessica. The Jessmiester.

I don’t need to be you, or have what you have, or like what you like, or laugh the way you laugh.

Besides, I love my laugh. It’s mine. And someday, someone else will think it’s so endearing that he’ll wonder why I ever wanted to be like someone else. I’m me. and that’s enough.

Maybe not for you. But that really doesn’t matter anymore, honey.

I’m taking my power back.

You don’t get to have it anymore.

And boy does that feel good.

In the words of my best friend, “Bye, bish.”


Photo on 6-27-14 at 12.57 AM

Do I?

Do I bum you out?

Does every word that come out of my mouth make you worry?

Did it feel any different when I said them six months ago?

Do I scare you?

Do I deserve to be here?

Do I want to be here?

At the end of the day, is my life worth all of the pain and suffering?

Do I sound crazy?

Do I?

I might.

I might even be crazy to think I fit into this perfect little puzzle.

I’m not like everyone else.

I’m not meant to be like everyone else.

Maybe I’m meant to die young.

Maybe that’s all this was for.

Or maybe I’ll do something great.

Something so great i’ll be remembered for it forever.

But tonight I’m just a sick little existential flea.

Tonight I’m just me.

Just Jess.

And I may be really messed up.

And I may use “and” at the beginning of every other sentence.

And I may eat my cup o’ noodles like a freak.

And I may be extremely depressed.

And I may have lived through a shithole of a childhood.

And I may never know what it’s like to be normal.

And I may only be good at lots of things, but never great at one thing.

But that’s me.

That’s Jess.

And I accept that this is who I am right now.

I accept that a thousand different decisions and mistakes and accomplishments and sacrifices and memories made me this way.

Do you?