“What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That’s what you get for all your trouble
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again”
“Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars, any heart
Not tough. Or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain”
If the greats are singing about it, then the fear of love must be real. I am not alone.
If you’ve read my blog for a while now, you know that 2014 has been the roughest year for me for multiple reasons.
I dealt with the worst bout of my depression yet and survived an attempted suicide. I endured months of pain and suffering caused by my own brain. My father is now in prison and there’s a good chance he won’t ever be a part of my life again.
Yet none of those things seemed to have scarred me quite like getting my heart broken.
That may sound immature to some, but the truth is I simply can’t deny my feelings. In the Psychiatric hospitals and group therapy sessions I spent time in I heard, “your feelings are valid” time and time again, and to be honest… I believe that.
Denying how you feel is like denying that you’re eating an apple when you’re clearly eating an apple.
Okay, so not the best analogy. The point is it makes no sense to do such a thing.
You’re eating an apple. Stop denying it. Why would you deny it to begin with?
If I never had depression, I wouldn’t have this blog that has brought me so much joy. I feel like depression has made me so much stronger and has given me a sense of purpose. Now that I have the depression under control I feel empowered. My 8 cities trip wouldn’t have come about had I not realized I have complete control over my life. Depression is terrible and unfair and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but damn it… I’m proud of who I’ve become because of it.
My father has never really been there for me. He hurt our family for many years until finally leaving us when I was eight. You can read all about him here. Hearing that he’d be in prison for twelve and a half years was devastating, but nevertheless it was no great loss. At least now he has a valid reason to miss the big moments in my life. Now he can’t hurt me anymore, because his verdict was the ultimate and final letdown of all.
My attempted suicide was tough. I had to cope with the fact that I was still very much alive when I really didn’t want to be. But upon hearing that my liver hadn’t failed and my body hadn’t let me down, I was forever changed. It made me start to listen in group therapy, appreciate the people in my life, cherish every day that I had to live on this earth, and start trying to get better despite my depressive systems trying to stop me.
All of these traumatic moments of this year have pushed me and changed me and my situation for the better.
All of the times that Joseph broke my heart.
You know, I recently had dinner with him as a way to say goodbye. We both wanted to see each other before my move, and the last time I ran into him I felt nothing, so I figured it would be okay.
And it was.
We had dinner at our favorite thai restaurant, walked around the city and smoked cigarillos, he bought me a candy bar and we laughed and joked around like old times. For a second I had my best friend back and it felt so nice. So familiar.
But I just didn’t love him anymore, and that felt amazing.
See, the problem isn’t that I still love him. The problem is that I feel like I wasted two and a half years of my life on someone that never appreciated me. Someone that – even from the beginning – didn’t feel the way I felt about him.
I remember the night he told me he loved me. It was four months into the relationship. We were watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off because I had never seen it before. Cuddled up on the couch and laughing at the movie. During the scene in which Ferris sings “twist and shout” I remember seeing Joseph turn to look at me in my peripherals. I figured he was just laughing at how much I was enjoying the scene, but then he said the three words that changed our relationship in an instant.
“I love you.”
I turned to face him with the biggest smile on my face. “I love you too.”
It’s a moment I’ll never forget, but not because he told me he loved me. No… that wasn’t the biggest shock of the night.
After the movie we said our goodbyes. I floated to my room on cloud nine and swore that life would never be this perfect. But life isn’t that perfect. It never is.
Two months before that he abruptly broke up with me, only to ask me if we could be together again two days later. I didn’t understand any of it, but because I used to be so dependent on relationships, I took him back. Little did I know I was going to find out soon enough.
I didn’t understand how I got so lucky. How I was able to call Joseph my boyfriend. We had a deep conversation about painful moments in our lives one night and he told me about how his ex girlfriend cheated on him. He said that it changed him and it was hard for him to trust. Hearing him say that was so disheartening. I just wanted to take away all of his pain and carry that load for him.
After replaying the “I love you” scene in my head a million times, I decided to browse Facebook. When I got on the page, I realized Joseph had used my computer and logged onto his profile.
I knew it wasn’t right to pry, but I truly, honestly wanted to see messages between him and his ex to better understand their relationship. He was right. She was pretty hurtful to him. It made me feel deeply sad for him. After reading it I felt like I knew him better. I felt like I knew how to be his girlfriend better. What he needed from me.
Then I thought it’d be fun to see what he had been saying about me to his friends.
I was absolutely and unequivocally wrong.
12/5, 12:31 pm
Lisa: how would Jessica feel about that statement?
Joseph: She Wouldn’t. Cuz we are not together.
Lisa: I thought u were..
Joseph: yea we broke up today
Joseph: Because she wanted more out of the relationship than I did
its been almost 2 months
yet I still didn’t feel anything for her
I just began to see her as a friend
n so I didn’t want to lead her on.. so I decided to break up
Joseph: It’s ok i guess. it weird cuz i’ve never actually broken up with someone
like being the breaker not the broken
Lisa: first for everything
Joseph: But at least its over now
Lisa: its a shame though
i liked her
Joseph: she wasn’t the right person
i was never really happy
Lisa: why is that
Joseph: n she did one too many things that irritated me.
that nice warm feeling you get when you see someone you really like
yea that never happened
i care bout her
n like her
but as a friend
it’s not that she isn’t trust worthy, or honest, or caring
it’s just that there simply is something missing inside. we didn’t quite click.
What’s worse is the girl he was talking to about this was the girl that he had feelings for while we were together. I only found out because I read another message thread between him and another friend.
I remember how often he’d talk about her, and one day I just had to ask if he had feelings for her.
He looked me dead in the eye and denied it.
Why do I still have this message thread after all this time you ask? To remind me that I’m not missing out on anything. To remind me that he wasn’t as perfect as my heart wanted to believe. To remind me that Joseph – at least 90% of the time – was a complete dick to me.
Why did I stay with him even after reading this and confronting him about it you ask? Because I loved him. And frankly, that turned me into a fucking idiot. I always try so hard to see the good in people, that I become completely blind to their flaws. I was so convinced that that was in the past and that maybe I was annoying sometimes. I was so convinced that that’s what I deserved.
Now I know that that’s a lie.
But still… throughout our entire relationship I felt unsatisfied, unsure, and unappreciated. I did too many things to count and I went above and beyond for him no matter what. He never seemed to do that for me. You can read an example here.
I don’t want to go through that again. I want to love and be loved. I want someone who does things for me as I do for them. I don’t want some storybook perfect man. I just want to be treated the way I treat the person I’m with. I’m afraid that no matter who I date I will always be the one that loves the other person more. I never used to be afraid of opening up to someone.
He changed that about me.
I hate that he changed that about me.
Here I am, almost a year after our breakup, and I’m afraid to have true feelings for someone. I’m afraid to go above and beyond for any guy, because I don’t want to waste my time. I’m afraid of getting my heart broken again.
And there he is… six months into his relationship with a girl he claimed he only wanted to date casually. Just by him giving me a few details about their relationship I already know that she is being treated better than I was.
I’m not jealous anymore because I don’t want him anymore. Not after finally opening my eyes and realizing all of the harm that came out of that relationship. I just want to be able to move forward in my love life, and I can’t seem to get over all of the nasty things he did to me.
I just want to be in love someday. I don’t want to be blindsided anymore. I want to be treated right, and I’m afraid that there are just more Joseph’s lining up at my door as I type.