Ever since I got on my mixture of medications I’ve been free of my suicidal thoughts.
I wanted to kill myself every day for about three years. I would stay up at night while everyone else in the world slept and plan my death. I’d pick locations, read news stories about things other kids did to end their lives and plan accordingly.
Now… life is a lot less dramatic.
I am, however, extremely paranoid. I can’t walk alone (day or night, really), and when I’m home alone I’m always anxious. At night, I’ll lay in fear sometimes because I’m completely convinced that someone is going to kill me.
I’m afraid to die.
Genuinely afraid to die.
The idea of death is terrifying to me. How will I die? Will someone harm me and kill me? Will I get into a gruesome car accident? Will my life get cut short? Why am I so convinced that I’m going to die young?
These are the things that keep me up at night now.
The idea of death used to make my mouth water. It was a thirst that I wanted to quench more than anything.
Now I want to be as far away from it as possible.
I turned to google.
“What to do if you’re afraid of dying.”
A few things came up. An anxiety test, a huffpost article and a wikipedia page about Sigmund Freud’s thoughts on the matter.
“Sigmund Freud hypothesized that people express a fear of death, called thanatophobia. He saw this as a disguise for a deeper source of concern. It was not actually death that people feared, because in Freud’s view nobody believes in their own death. The unconscious does not deal with the passage of time or with negations, which does not calculate amount of time left in one’s life. Furthermore, that which one does fear cannot be death itself, because one has never died. People who express death-related fears, actually are trying to deal with unresolved childhood conflicts that they cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.”
Not only is there a name for this, but there’s a reason for it as well.
My childhood trauma.
Here it comes again to bite me in the ass.
It seems that with or without medication, my childhood trauma comes out of the woodwork. It is exhausting. There are a few things that happen every day due to said trauma.
- I have to put my clothes on right away after I take a shower.
- Sometimes after sex I shake and sweat until I can be calmed down.
- I’m extremely uncomfortable being alone in a room with a man or men.
- Entering a church makes me uneasy and talking about God or religion tends to bring me to tears.
- I MUST lock my door when I go to bed no matter what.
- I usually feel that most men are thinking of harming me one way or another.
- I’m afraid of someone kidnapping or killing me.
- I’m afraid of death or dying in general.
I’m sure there are other things about myself that I don’t even know are related to my childhood trauma yet.
I need to go back to therapy.
I’m happy to announce that on December 1st, My Husband, Kam, and I are moving to Chicago. I’m moving back, he’s moving there for the first time. I miss my family and friends, and my therapist, Theresa. It’s time to go home.
Kam and I are so excited to be moving forward in our life together!
This feels really right. Like I’m supposed to be back in the windy city. I’m so pumped. We may not stay there forever, but for now this feels like the best step to take for us. (Maybe someday we’ll live in New York. That’s our goal.)
Anyway, I’m going back to Theresa. If you’ve followed my blog since the beginning, you’ll remember how great she was and how I missed her so much when I moved. To this day I’ve still never found a therapist I’ve connected with as much as her.
When I first started going to her I was extremely suicidal and always depressed. She had to get me out of that emergency stage before any real deep digging could happen.
By the time I was stable I had decided to move to Austin. No real healing from my past was able to happen.
Now … it will.
I’m determined to get this trauma off my back and live the crap out of whatever time I have left.
Any hey, I may live to be 101. You just never know.