Some days I find myself spacing out a lot, or not laughing at things that I usually find funny. People often ask me if I’m okay, and I don’t know what to say to them. I walk around without a smile on my face, but I feel fine inside.
These are the moments that make me feel like a medicated zombie.
It’s true, I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore. Gone are the gloomy days and the painful nights I’d grown accustomed to. Gone is the need to use coping skill after coping skill just to stay afloat. I no longer feel everything on the spectrum, from manically happy to extremely depressed.
I’m really thankful for that, but the drawback is that those emotions have been replaced with a dull lingering boredom.
I feel colorblind.
I feel like everyone else can see the reds and blues and yellows and greens of the world and all I see is gray.
I miss the colors. I wonder if I’m missing out on those beautiful magentas and marigolds.
Even if I have to see the dark colors sometimes, isn’t it worth it to get to see the bright ones?
I feel like part of my brain has access to all of those things, but the other part refuses to react. That’s what the medication does to me.
Part of me wants to laugh or cry, but a much stronger part refuses to. Part of me wants to explode, but I don’t have the will to do it anymore.
I do, however, have the will to get things done and be responsible.
It’s so boring.
At least the Jess I was before medication had a personality.
I feel like mine is completely gone. Like I’ve lost my originality. My creativity. Like I’ve been stripped of everything that made me, me.
It seems devastating, but to tell you the truth, all I’m feeling about it right now is indifference. That’s how I feel about most things lately.
So where do I go from here? I’m not sure, honestly.
I could keep living my medicated life without fear of losing my job, losing my friends, hurting my husband, feeling so low that I can’t function.
Or I could go back to all of that and feel like myself again.
Is Bipolar who I am though? Or is that a lie that it’s telling me to lure me back into its arms?
All I know is that I don’t have to have all the answers today. Today I can relax and let go of my worries. I’m off from work for the rest of the evening and I plan on spending some quality time with my wonderful husband.