When you can’t handle depression much longer…

 

I just want to say that I understand how you feel. I’ve been there so many times, and I’m sure one way or another, I’ll be there again.

Don’t let it win.

I almost did quite a few times. I almost lost my life. I almost left my family and friends to wade in a pool of trauma and despair.

I almost left my cat, Khaleesi.

I almost stopped existing.

Some people just don’t understand what it’s like. It’s a constant battle with yourself.

The pain is so unbelievably severe…

You find yourself awake in a dark room while the rest of the world  is quiet. You’re wondering what day you’re going to do it, and how. Planning out where you want to do it. Hoping the ones that you love don’t have to find you. Saying goodbye to people in your mind.

It’s almost impossible to stay alive when you’re in that pit.

Almost Impossible.

I know it doesn’t seem like it right now. I know it hurts all over, and when it isn’t so intense, it’s still a lingering pain that never seems to go away.

I know that you want to give up.

I know that you feel like you have no reasons to stick around, and the reasons that other people give you feel like complete bullshit.

Don’t stay for those reasons.

The one thing that kept me alive (besides the good people at Northwestern Hospital that saved my life) was curiosity.

I was curious. I wanted to know who I’d become if I stuck around.

Where would I end up? Who would I marry? What would my kids look like? Would I finally find myself? Would I ever have a tight hold around depression? Would I ever feel normal?

Present me would’ve missed out on all of the awesome things that are about to happen in my life. I just got married to an amazing man (who also happens to have bi polar II) and I feel so lucky that I got to experience that.

And I’m not trying brag or say that I have it l figured out. I don’t. Some days are still awful and hard. But the days where life isn’t like that makes it worth it for me.

I just want to take a moment to thank past Jessica for holding on. If it weren’t for her… well… I wouldn’t be here.

If curiosity is what will keep you here, then use it.

As far as I’m concerned, until you’re homeless, loveless, jobless, physically incapable of moving, and have no future…. you’ve still got hope.

What’s one more day?

And remember… when you die people are sad for a while, but eventually they move on with their lives. They grow up, fall in love, have children, or travel the world, find themselves… and at that point you’re just someone from their past who called it quits. They might think of you now and then, but it’s not the same.

You’re the only one who lost.

Hold on. And if you ever ever… and I mean EVER Need someone to talk to, you shoot me an email. I’m here for anyone and everyone. himym425@gmail.com

If it’s an emergency and you feel like you can’t hold on… promise me right now that you’ll call a suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255

Seriously. Promise me. I had a friend who made me promise to call him before I ever thought of hurting myself. And I always did. Every time. And I’m still here. So promise me however you want to. Just promise.

-Jess

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