Some days I don’t know how to live my life.
I don’t feel sad or depressed. I don’t feel happy or fulfilled.
I feel indifferent.
Like whatever happens, happens. I just don’t care.
I don’t want to be anywhere or do anything.
I don’t really know where this passiveness comes from. I suppose I could use it for good when it comes about. Just let stupid moments in my day roll off. Get through the rest of it on auto-pilot.
It can happen at any time. I feel like anything I do doesn’t really matter because not only do I feel indifferent, but so does the world.
Sometimes it feels like no one wants to hear what you want to say, or take the time to see what you’re doing. And why should they? In this world we live in everyone is born on their own and dies on their own. Whether it be by their own hand or not, they die and are alone.
I know this sounds like the most cliché question in the world but it’s very true.
What does it all mean?
Im sure I’m not the only one who’s asked this. Why do we sit here doing the same shit every single day? Why are some of us clocking in, clocking out, desperate for a day off, desperate to feel something in this mundane lifestyle?
Getting diagnosed and going to therapy has helped me get a handle on my depression. But now that it’s more manageable I’ve wondered where to go next. What to do next. This can’t be it.
Even on days where I’m doing things I know are contributing to my future… It feels like so much work… And for what? To get to that point and still feel unhappy because I’m chemically convinced to?
That feels awful. What if I get to what should be the peak of my happiness and… It’s all the same?
On days like those I automatically start to blame myself. Why can’t I just live my life and do the things I have to do like everyone else? Why do I feel so entitled to live happily 24/7 365? I really need to get over myself.
Some days I feel like I don’t want to dream anymore. Every time I have a dream, I go for it, and if it works I end up being unhappy again, and if it doesn’t it brings me down like nothing else.
It’s never enough.
I feel stuck. Every time this happens I have this weird lingering feeling that death is just simpler.
But… Other days…
I look at my life and it actually makes sense.
There’s a clear path. A moment of understanding. A moment of –
Dare I say it –
Maybe even joy.
Yknow what I call that Rollercoaster?
Some days you just have to hold your breath and get through it. There’s not much else to do.
Other days it’s easier to get out of your funk.
One handy trick that I’ve been using is my shower rule.
Whenever I feel low, or super indifferent, I take a shower.
A shower always makes me feel 20% better.
It’s funny, I don’t even really enjoy showers. Some people love them. I prefer naps.
But for some reason the feeling after I take a shower is wonderful. I feel like for a moment I really took care of myself. I cleaned myself, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth (I do that in the shower. Feels like two birds), and put some clean clothes on. I feel like I did something no matter how simple it was.
And even though I say it’s simple, I know the sometimes something as “simple” as a shower feels intimidating.
You start to think about every tiny step before you even start.
Muster up the rest of your energy to get out of bed, walk to the bathroom, take clothes off, turn on the shower, wait for it to get warm, get in, shampoo, condition, body wash, brush teeth (if you’re like me) get out, dry off (which takes years), find clean clothes (which is hard if your depression has been fucking you over a lot lately), put them on, brush hair.
But if you think of each step as you do it… It doesn’t feel so bad.
Like in F. R. I. E. N. D. S. When Ross was trying to get a very nervous Chandler married.
If you haven’t seen F. R. I. E. N. D. S. Then wtf are you reading this for?! Go watch that shit. It’s on Netflix. Go. Now. Seriously.
Except in his case a shower felt easy. For us a shower can sometimes feel like a fucking marathon.
I get it. I really do. But seriously, try the one thing at a time method. It takes a lot of pressure off of you.
Once I get out of the shower… Suddenly things don’t feel so… Hopeless.
I encourage you to try it. Even if it’s not a shower. Try something that will make you feel like you helped yourself in some way.
Cook something, watch a show or a YouTube video you like, read a book, etc.
If you feel like you’re on a roll you can help other people. Makes you feel good, too.
If you ever feel like a burden (you’re not), call a friend and listen to their story. Let them talk. Give someone a ride somewhere, make something for someone, send your mom a card, etc.
These are the perfect days to do things that you don’t necessarily have to do that day.
You don’t care what happens that day anyway. Use it to be selfless, or selfish!
The day is yours.
Shit… Sleep all damn day if you want.
Who gives a shit, right? You don’t! It’s indifference day!
If you have a trick that works, please share it in the comments below. We are all here for each other.