In other words doing what your heart tells you despite what your brain tells you.
Technically it’s all your brain. One part wants something but the other part has issues with it. Could be guilt, fear, sadness, etc.
I don’t know the mechanical part of it. I don’t know what the parts of the brain are called or how to explain it properly. All I know is that this is where I am right now.
I want something. Someone. Me.
I want myself back.
But I feel guilty, I’m scared, and the thought of change makes me sad.
So in the words of How I Met Your Mother… “What do you do? … Go.”
I don’t know what to do.
All I know is that I want to be single again.
Not to mess around with anyone. Not to ruin my relationship. Not even to have a better life than I do. My life is great.
He loves me and I love him. We have jobs that pay the bills and we have two cats. His son loves me and I love him, too.
But I don’t love who I’m becoming.
Or rather… Who I’m trying to be.
I feel too young to be living the life I’m living.
Maybe that’s immature…. But I suppose that’s the point..
I’m not there yet.
But isn’t this what my parents always wanted of me? Be with someone that loves me and build a life together?
Yes. But I’m just not ready to take that step.
I used to think at this age I’d be married. I specifically remember day dreaming about it as a little kid.
I’d be married by 22, have two kids by 25, own a home and be a soccer mom.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that life, but I’m going to be 24 this month and I feel so far away from wanting those things.
I always say that if I’m more excited for the wedding than I am the marriage then I’m not ready.
I. Am. Not. Ready.
I’m not even sure that I want kids anymore. But that’s the beauty of being my age. You don’t have to take yourself too seriously.
So I can choose to continue this road and (excuse my anxiety) get divorced later in life because I was living a lie. I can ruin his life and my own and make things so much worse than necessary.
Or I can do what I want.
Ah…there’s my guilty brain again.
I suppose I don’t have to figure it out today. I’ll leave today for self care and reflection.