Listen… People do dumb shit.
People make mistakes. Not just mistakes they never thought they’d make, but also mistakes that they are prone to making over and over again.
Everytime we make these mistakes it makes us feel worse. Makes us feel like we can’t even do the simplest things.
I know I’ve written on making mistakes and ruminating thoughts before. I mentioned planning do improve the situation in the future. Making a specific plan to allow yourself to make better choices when the time comes.
But how about that dread you feel right after you make the mistake? Feeling like there’s nothing you can actively to at the moment to make it better? Feeling like even if you plan to do better you’re just going to make the mistake again so there’s no point in trying.
That shit hurts.
Let’s break this down:
I skipped both of my classes this week. It isn’t something I planned. It isn’t even something I wanted. The time rolled around and I just didn’t go. As it was happening I turned off that voice inside me that asked me what I was doing.
“why am I doing this to myself? I feel so guilty. I feel like a failure. I bet next week I’m going to do the same shit.”
This inner dialog came up whenever I thought about working out as well. I didn’t work out this week. The last time I worked out was Sunday. Not the worst, and I haven’t gained any weight because I’ve been pretty good with counting my calories. But I definitely don’t feel active enough.
It’s weird. It could be so simple. As Nike says, I could “just do it.”
Why don’t I? Why don’t I just work out and feel good about myself? Why don’t I just drive to class and sit my butt in a chair and listen to the teacher? Listen to the voice in my head begging me to help myself.
But here’s the thing.. I have done that.
I have pushed myself before.
I have tried hard.
I have succeeded.
I have gotten the job done.
It’s not like I never work out or go to class. And this isn’t to say that I’m perfect or because I’ve done it in the past I should let myself off the hook. It means that if I did it last week, I can do it next week.
Giving up because I messed up this week wouldn’t make sense.
I fucked up so I’m just going to keep fucking up and continue to make myself feel this way.
I’ll stop working out and eat more and every time I put food to my mouth I’ll hate myself.
I’ll drop this class and every Tuesday and Thursday for the rest of the semester I’ll feel this pang of guilt and jealousy towards the other students who didn’t give up.
The rational (and sometimes difficult to see for a depressed person) plan is to try to do better next week. And remind yourself why you started.
I started workong out because I wanted to look fit when I go home in August to visit friends and family.
During my workouts I feel shitty but afterwards I feel really good about myself. Like I overcame my body’s reluctance to do it. I feel strong and happy.
Every time I see the scale lower I feel like my effort was for a reason
When I’m in class and I am understanding the lesson I feel smart and accomplished. When I pass tests with flying colors I’m on top of the world.
When I wasn’t in school I was miserable. I felt out of place. I knew I belonged in a class and I belonged on this track.
If you fail, don’t just throw in the towel. Do you know just how many days are left in your life to succeed?
No. You don’t.
So don’t assume you’ll use that time to fail.
Assume that eventually with some effort you’ll get back on track.
I can’t remember who said it but I read this phrase recently “if you had a flat tire, you wouldn’t just slash the other three.”
Don’t hurt yourself when you’re already hurting.
Get back on that goddamn horse because you deserve to be happy.
I personally, am gonna work out TONIGHT.
YES, TONIGHT. Because as much as my head tells me it’s not true, I know that every workout counts. And the sooner I do it again the more workouts I’ll have on my side.
And this weekend I’m gonna study on my own and cover what I missed. Skipping two classes doesn’t make me a failure.
Listening to the voice in my head that tells me I can’t do it does.
You deserve to do better.
You deserve to feel better.
Go get it. Whatever it is.