It’s so weird being an active participant in my own life. Not just some bystander who watches as the other part of me breaks down a little more every day.
This time is a little different than my last low bout. I’m more mindful of my situation.
I’m being smarter about the choices I make for myself. I’m not creating some big moment to prove myself – or prove to myself – that I’m better.
I’m just letting my meds help me do everyday things. Getting up and going to work in the morning, seeing things in more rational and simple ways. Getting ready to start taking classes again.
I’m laying low. I’m doing what I want to and not doing what I don’t. I’m methodical in my decision making and I enjoy the thrill that is experiencing things that used to break me and letting them roll off my back without a second thought.
My mind is once again clean and organized manila folders color coded in all their glory, filed away in cabinets marked: “Open at your convenience”
Now instead of worrying about things like how to make sure my loved ones never have to see my corpse, or trying to figure out how I’m going to hold on for another night, my mind is free to worry about more trivial things like,
“I hope I get the lunch hour I want today”
“What should I get Andy’s family members for Christmas?”
It’s actually fun. 🙂
There’s this feeling of peace in me that is swirling around, like when a cup filled to the brim is being stirred but always seems to just barely miss the edge.
It’s exhilarating and familiar. It’s peaceful and reassuring.
I feel like the people that walk by me on the street seem to feel. Normal. Like I don’t have “depression” tattooed on my forehead. Attempting to hide it with my hand and feeling so unnatural when I meet people. Wondering if they can see it in me somehow.
Wondering if the people I love can even see me anymore.
Now I’m seeing myself again and I feel giddy, like when you see a good old friend after so long. I like myself again. I respect myself again. There’s no fog obstructing my view.
I feel like I dont have to hide anymore. Every day feels weirdly new even though most days aren’t special or out of the ordinary.
Those days, though… they matter to me most.
I try not to talk about it a lot. Just enjoy it by myself. I feel myself being engulfed by the calmness around me, and astonished by the quiet in my head, like it’s a cool party trick. I feel tranquillity flowing through me, coating my bones with its gooey protective warmth.
Finally, normalcy. Yes, normalcy. I wished for normalcy.
Suddenly the mistakes I’ve made in the past, whether big or small, don’t keep me up at night.
It just doesn’t bother me anymore.
Suddenly I’m the girl that Andy fell in love with again. I’m the girl I love to be.
I’m alive again.