I’ve been flip flopping around emotionally lately. I’ll wake up extremely depressed and will begin a depressing post about whatever irrational idea has popped into my brain, then when it’s gone (sometimes halfway into a post) I’ll feel level again and won’t want to continue dwelling on my darkest thoughts.
On the other hand when I’m feeling functional and I start writing an insigtful and helpful post I end up feeling low somewhere between the words and I lose myself.
Not the good kind of losing myself. Not the Eminem kind where I become enthralled by what’s happening around me and just let go.
The kind where I don’t know where to go from after my last point. The kind where my words somehow stop appearing on the screen.
Depression is exhausting.
I think I need to get back on my meds.
Honestly, my quality of life just decreases without it.
And I refuse to buy into the idea that medication is bullshit. Believe it all you want, but I’d rather spend money on a “placebo” than live the way I’m currently living.
Anyway my brain has been all over the place lately. So much so that I find myself reading my old posts in order to help myself feel better.
I actually started to realize that some of the same exterior issues I’ve had in my life are happening again in one way or another. It’s kind of cool to go to write a post and start to wonder if I’m having dejavu.
I find myself thinking, “I’ve written this before.”
Anyway I want to work on one of my drafts tonight. Not sure if it’ll be a low day post or a normal day post (feeling okay right now). All I know is that I have to get over this hump or I may never write again.
Consider this post my official promise to finish a draft.