I’m all too familiar with that feeling. I didn’t think it’d happen to me ever again, but I suppose that’s foolish.
Yesterday I felt so hopeless and disappointed in myself, and today I feel just fine. It’s my day off, I can relax, take the pressure off, take a day for myself.
I’m also in a non depressed mood right now. Like right now. I know that that can change in 20 minutes.
This feels like a breakup after having gone through a really tough breakup. I know what to do to help myself feel better, but the pain is still there because I’m a human being and every time is different.
When I’m in these healthy moods I want to take advantage of them. I’m going to call a psychiatrist and make an appointment. The sooner I start looking for a new med combination, the better. It’s going to take at least three weeks to get it under control and even then we may find that it isn’t the right mix and have to start over with a new drug.
But those three weeks will pass me by whether I do something or not so why live with the pain when there’s an option not to?
Hopefully I can get it together.
Last night, I confessed to Andy that I was starting to feel some of my old symptoms. He said something that made me feel great. Something that not many people understand about us.
“Just like any other illness you need medication to get better and I understand that. It’s not easy. And if you need a ride to see your psychiatrist I’d be more than happy to take you. Please let me take you. It would make me incredibly sad if you denied my offer.”
1. He noted that depression is a real thing.
2. He acknowledged my pain.
3. He offered to help in a way he knew that he could.
4. He asked me to let him take me. It’s my choice. And I wouldn’t want to make him sad at all so it made me really want to let him.
So we’re going together. He’s going to keep me accountable and we’re going to hang out afterwards as my own little incentive.
I’m also talking to Theresa today (My therapist from Chicago) to see if we can’t find me a new therapist. I’ve been here two months and in those two months I’ve cancelled three appointments with two different therapists.
Don’t ask me why I do the things I do, because I’ll respond with an answer that won’t satisfy anyone’s needs: I have no clue.
All I know is I am not going back into that dark and dreadful hole.
This is not where my story ends. I’m not going to let this beat me. I’m catching it before it takes over.