I moved to Austin with the idea that I’d only be here a year. I had no clue that I was going to meet Andy in my first of 8 cities. The thing is since the age of 18, I haven’t really given a tiny rat’s ass what anyone thinks about my decisions. If I decide something it’s on me because – as I’m sure I’ve engraved in everyone’s minds on this blog – I have complete control over my life. And whether or not people believe he’s my soulmate is irrelevant, because it’s how I feel. I may be wrong, but all I can say in confidence is that in my 22 years of living on this earth I have never felt this way. Never. And neither has he. That isn’t something I take lightly.
So now it’s up to me to ask the tough questions. And the only person that can answer it (whether it be a decent answer or not), is unfortunately, me.
So is this fate? Divine intervention? Or are we a pit stop on the ultimate road of my life?
Do I stick to the plan? Or do I plan to cancel my plans?
I don’t know. I really don’t. I think I’m really just trying to go over it in my head.
This didn’t even occur to me until last night. Andy and I were at this Greek place waiting for our takeout, and I was talking about the new budget I created for myself based on my new pay. I mentioned that if I find that I can stick to my budget plan for a year I’d try to find a nice apartment since I can afford it. Then suddenly my heart dropped because any mention of “a year” reminds me of my plans.
This is exactly how it came out:
“Right now based on my budget I have a very big amount of spendable money, so if I find that I can stick with my plan for a while then I’ll be able to get a nicer place by next year. That is if I — you know — uh — decide to stay — well — uh — yeah — sorry — whatever.”
I could tell he was disappointed. But… even more heartbreaking … I could tell that this wasn’t the first time he had thought about it.
He just gave me a weak smile and didn’t say anything.
I moved on to another topic, but my face and the hushed tone of my voice showed every bit of the remorse I was trying to hide.
He let it slide, though.
But I don’t know if I have.
It’s odd, I remember going to my old high school recently and giving a speech on my 8 cities 8 years trip. Students asked questions about how my family is taking my plans, what I plan to do in each city, and how I decided on my cities. But one question a midst all of them stood out to me.
My old professor asked, “What if when you get to Texas, you fall in love with a handsome ‘cowboy’? What happens then?”
The class and I chuckled as I shook my head and looked him dead in the eye.
“I’m going to need more reason than a boy to stay in Austin.”