Commitment

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Entering a relationship isn’t something I take lightly. When I’m in, I’m in. The thing is when there are two hearts at stake it can get pretty scary.

But what if there are three hearts at stake?

When I first started talking to Andy, I knew right off the bat that he had a son. I knew that I’d have to consider whether or not that was something I’d be ready for, and I had to be honest with myself about it.

After meeting him and spending more time with him realized that my thought process is plain and simple: I love what he loves.

Of course, being the good father that he is, he is taking his time to figure us out before we include Lucas.

I respect him so much for that. It’s something neither of my parents did when they dated new people. Suddenly in a flash two new people were a part of our lives and they wreaked havoc wherever they could. Just as quickly as they arrived they were gone.

I don’t want to be that for Andy’s son.

But I also don’t know if I am capable of being in his life yet. Not because I wouldn’t love him. I already do! He’s a great kid. I’ve seen pictures and snaps of him, we talk about him often, and Andy has told me so much about him. It was basically like when I started talking to Andy in a sense. I hadn’t actually met him in person yet, but that didn’t mean what I was feeling wasn’t real. I just don’t know if I am capable because I’ve never come close to a situation like that. I guess I’m hoping that – just like depression- I went through the bad times of having a step parent so that if I was ever one my stepchild wouldn’t have to.

I decided that since Andy did so many awesome things for me on my birthday, I wanted to do something for him. Something big, fun, and something that would start to put his mind at ease in regards to me meeting his family someday.

I’ve always told him on my end that there’s no pressure. I’d never force him to let me into that sacred relationship until he was ready.

But I really want to let him know that when he’s ready – and when I am, too – he doesn’t have to worry about us getting along or me treating him fairly, loving him, respecting their relationship, or knowing my place in it. Those things will happen, simply because as I said before:

I Love What You Love

So I ran with that idea. I spent many a night forgetting things out and panicking. Due to some scheduling errors, we moved our date to today.

He’s meeting me at my place at 3pm… Only to find out that I’m not there. There will be a letter on the food with his name on it, and it’ll lead him to his next clue. He’s going on a scavenger hunt while I prepare for the big surprise. He’ll be getting his favorite beer, some gifts, and ice cream for free as he tries to find me.

His last stop will be this place called the hope gallery. It’s a place where if you register, you can come and make street art. I’m not one with a spray paint can, so I decided to print out graphics and turn them into wheat paste posters. So he’ll find me there, and he will see three amazing 27×40 posters of him and Lucas with the words “I love what you love” on them. Now, keep in mind that I have NEVER made a wheat paste poster or any kind of street art before, so I wouldn’t really do this for the ordinary guy.

But this is no ordinary guy.

I can’t wait to sew his face! I get off of work at 3 so as soon as I’m off I’m heading to the gallery to post them up. Here’s to hoping I get it done before he gets the scavenger hunt done. Here is what they look like!

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After all of that we are going back to my place, making a giant wall to wall floor to ceiling fort with sheets and twinkle lights, and having a picnic I prepared. It was going to be outside but the weather wasn’t in our favor. Or maybe it was because I’ve ALWAYS wanted to make a giant fort.

Wish me luck! 2 hours from now I’ll be getting the art ready and he’ll be at my front door.

-Jess

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2 thoughts on “Commitment

  1. Pingback: Daddy issues: Seeking approval in relationships | Never Ask "What If?"

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