Turning another year older with depression

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I’m going to be 22 in four days! 

I’m excited. I know I said I was going to try not to get too excited, but I am!

I’m excited to not be 21 anymore (It wasn’t a good year for me)

I’m excited to be an even number (because I’m weird like that.)

I’m not expecting anything grand though. In keeping my expectations low, the results could possibly surprise me! You can read all about my shitty shitty birthdays and my first attempted suicide on my 21st here.

Yeah, told you, it’s pretty bad.

Anyway this year is promising. I’m in a new city, I’m on Wellbutrin, I have friends that are just as awesome as my Chicago friends, and most importantly, I know that I have the control!

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Except on the actual day of my birthday, when technically my boyfriend, Andy has the control.

He has a date planned for us and I’m super excited. To be completely honest, I have some ideas of where we might go, but I can’t be too sure.

On our second date the first week I was here, we went to this bar called Bender’s, and I joked that I wish we could’ve gone to the Kidney institute across the street. I mean, getting your kidneys checked? How much more fun can a day get, really? So this morning he joked about how he was planning to take me there for my birthday.

But maybe we’ll save it for valentine’s day. 🙂

Anyway he told me to dress up really nicely which means this is no ordinary date. This is going to be a super fun, super awesome BIRTHDATE! It’s funny, we are barely starting out and I’m already getting treated better than I have ever been treated. And you know what… he is too!

That’s what I like about us. We’re both in this relationship the same amount. We both care the same amount. Even with little things on a daily basis. 

And I’m excited for this date because even though we’ve technically known each other for two months, that first month was all texting and getting to know each other, so he knows quite a lot about me. 

I’m happy. 

My only hope for my 22nd birthday is that I realize how much of a gift it is in itself. I survived. 

No.

I thrived.

I’m still here, and I’m not just existing. not just floating by aimlessly, hoping someone will save me from my detatched self.

No I’ve already saved myself. I’ve got both my feet on the ground. My head isn’t in the clouds anymore because I’ve made my dreams a reality, and now that I’m turning another year older and I can honestly say that I’m where I want to be, I’m who I want to be, and I’m who I want to be with, I just don’t see how I could ask for anything more.

Still, it seems this year I’m going to get so much more than I ever thought possible.

Whether 3 or 30 people come to my party, I’ll be more than happy. Whether we go to a really nice bar/club/restaurant or go to Wendy’s I’ll still eat an awesome bacon cheeseburger (Food is life) and be happy that I’m with Andy. Whether I get no gifts, one gift, or 5 gifts, I won’t care because I’m not four anymore. And whether I get one phone call from my family, or one hundred, it won’t make a difference.

I know I’m extremely loved, and phone calls don’t change that.

Ultimately you know you’ve taken control over depression when you realize that it’s not what happens at any given moment, it’s how you react to those moments that determines the rest of your day.

I’m grateful for so many things this year already. But if I had to choose one, it would be this blog.

I love you all and genuinely care about each and every one of you.

This blog gives me a sense of purpose. I created this 8 cities journey trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I had no idea that I’d find it this soon. I had no idea I’d find it on the platform I used to create the project in the first place.

This is what I want to do full time. One day I just woke up and it clicked.

So everything I do from this moment on will be in service of that.

Thank you so much for helping me find myself.

Many many many pictures will be taken at my party. I have a feeling I’m going to want to remember this year forever.

-Jess

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