Elaborating on my morning musings…I may be open to a Relationship someday.

A new version of my favorite song of all time. The police’s version is obviously the best. 

I said I’d do part two of the ecstasy story. I’ll make it quick because it’s pretty irrelevant.

-Threw up.

-Tripped out for the most intense part of my high.

-Made out with Sam all night.

-Danced the night away.

-Realized I might be ready for a real relationship someday.

I don’t feel a sense of urgency to find the person I’m going to date next. It just feels really good to know that I’m not this closed-minded bitter person anymore. Now I don’t feel the pain of my last relationship. Now I know what I deserve.

I plan on waiting for the person that knows how much I deserve as well. Someone dependable. Someone smart. Someone that challenges me but also celebrates me.

There is no perfect person, no perfect man. But what if there’s someone out there that is perfect for me?

Is it possible?

My favorite show of all time is How I Met Your Mother. I’m obsessed with it. I’ve probably seen all 9 seasons over five times.

Anyway, the last season really stuck with me. Ted and Tracy were so wonderful together. There’s an episode where you learn all about what the mother has been doing all this time, and there are so many beautiful similarities between them.

After my break up, I remember feeling like that could never happen. Feeling like it’s only a TV show and it couldn’t ever apply to my life.

But what if it could?

I don’t like to ask “what if?”

So naturally I’m never going to settle for less than the man that I know has to be out there somewhere. I just hope that something in me will click, and I’ll just know.

One night when Joseph and I had been separated for about two months, I slept over at his place because we had just finished a wedding shoot and it was late. (excuses). We actually watched the How I Met Your Mother season finale, and I was in tears most of the episode. 

After the show had ended we went to his living room and sat on the couch together. I wrapped my arms around his torso and laid my head on his chest.

We sat there in silence as I looked up at him. He was staring off in space with the most calm expression on his face. Like he had made peace with everything around him. His lips parted and I waited in anticipation…

“I don’t know why or how, but I just know that we’re going to end up together someday. We’re meant for each other.”

Suddenly peace washed over me as well. I didn’t think about my depression or anxiety, I didn’t worry about my future plans or the rocky relationship that was before me. 

” I can’t picture myself with anyone else.”

He nodded and continued staring ahead.

We didn’t speak for the rest of the night and I fell asleep in his arms.

I didn’t necessarily think we were meant to be, I just had this weird, kind of sad feeling that we were stuck with each other. At one point I had convinced myself that we were meant for each other, and then in a blink of an eye everything changed.

Now I realize that we were both kidding ourselves. Joseph is now with someone else and I’d like to believe that he’s happy and doing well.

I missed him by a week. That had to be fate. I now realize that going back to him was a mistake, but one I had to make in order to let him go. Never ask what if, right?

Him turning me down…That had to mean that we weren’t meant for each other.

It has to mean someone, somewhere is looking out for me.

I’m not religious (anymore), so I’m just going to call it the universe. [[Just like in How I Met Your Mother.]]

The Universe had to have been looking out for us when I decided to ask Joseph to be with me again. He found someone and a week later [not knowing he was dating someone else] I professed my feelings about our relationship to him.

A week.

It took him a week to change his mind about me and us and everything we had. I’m not saying this angrily. I’m saying it with astonishment. It HAD to have been the universe.

I’m guilty of believing in signs, fate, and destiny. I just am, okay? I’ll always be that person. But when it comes to love and relationships, I don’t know which way is up. I just have no idea what’s ahead of me. Who’s ahead of me.

What if he’s in Austin? Or Dublin? Maybe Toronto? What if I already met him, but we just haven’t clicked that way yet? What if I’ve crossed paths with him already?

All of this is making my head hurt. So until then, I just plan on being my beautiful, sassy, single self, and letting love find me.

I can’t wait.

-Jess

p.s. If you’re a HIMYM fan and you’re wondering, the answer is YES I loved the ending. I knew that Ted and Robin were going to end up together. Ted and Tracy were perfect for each other, but Tracy passed away, and Ted and Robin have always loved each other. The timing just finally made sense.

But just because it happened in Ted’s life doesn’t mean that’s how I want mine to work out! See ya, gonna watch HIMYM!