I saw Joseph today: Having control over your own life

It was bound to happen eventually. I’m still a teacher’s assistant at Columbia College and that’s where we met in the first place. If you just joined my blog you can find some backstory on us here, here, here, and here.
Here’s the thing. Last time I saw him was almost five months ago. We had lunch. That was also the day I posted “The Ledge”. You can read it here. That day I thought I was ready to see him. For some ridiculous reason I thought I could handle it. I had only been on wellbutrin for less than a week, and he had just broken my heart less than a month ago. But not seeing him for that month was so difficult. He was my best friend in the whole world for almost three years. The day I saw him I had a session with Theresa. She obviously wasn’t going to tell me that I couldn’t go, but it was pretty clear that she wasn’t exactly for the idea. She knew better than I did that I was nowhere near ready to see him. Not just her, but Roxy, too.

We had lunch and I had one fry. I couldn’t even think about eating. I was so confident up until the moment I saw him. Suddenly my self esteem was dead. He didn’t say I looked beautiful, or that he missed me. My daydreaming about us locking eyes and him smiling at me and realizing he can’t live without me were pretty farfetched to say the least. No, instead we sat there in a pool of awkwardness while he gushed about his new window washing girlfriend.

He had all the power. He had complete control over me even if he didn’t want it.

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My heart was broken all over again. He walked me to my bus and waited with me. As the bus arrived he hugged me, and somewhere in the five seconds that we hugged the bus took off. So there we were once again, waiting. I don’t remember how this started but we hugged again, and this time we held on. I said, “You were my best friend for so long.” He said, “Yes, and you were mine.”

Then I boarded the bus and proceeded to cry my eyes out until I arrived to work for my ten hour shift. After my shift, my friend Susan had to talk me off the ledge.

Naturally, the idea of seeing him again on campus scared me. I wasn’t sure how I’d react. I assumed that I’d cry again. Sometimes I’d picture myself just walking right past him. Sometimes his girlfriend was there with him, sometimes she wasn’t. I pictured so many things that could happen, and when the moment did come, it was nothing like I thought it’d be.

And it was weird because all day I had a feeling I’d be seeing him. And as I walked into the building that I TA in, I saw Roxy waving on the other side of the lobby. I was so excited to see her that I ran up to her, not fully realizing that Joseph was right behind her talking to one of our friends.

I caught up with Roxy for a bit, anxious for him to turn around and say hello. Eventually he saw me and we hugged.

And I felt nothing.

Nothing.

Not sad, not happy, not scared, not depressed.

He did not move me emotionally whatsoever.

For lack of a better phrase, FUCK YES.

I’m officially over it. If I didn’t know before I definitely know it now.

He said that he heard I’m moving to Austin, and we talked about it for a while. When I mentioned that I was saving up and that I was proud of myself for being able to save since I never could in the past, he said, “Yeah, I know. I know you.”

Seems that isn’t the case anymore. He no longer knows me. He will never know me again. And that is my choice. In two months I’ll be gone and I’m leaving him and everything else in the dust.

To be honest, even if I wasn’t physically moving,  metaphorically speaking, I’ve already left him behind.

I’m in control of me now. He no longer pulls my heartstrings or makes me feel like crap about myself.

He seemed to be doing well, which actually made me happy. Having depression I don’t really wish unhappiness on anyone. Besides, he doesn’t have to be miserable for me to be happy.

I’m happy!

I could feel how proud Roxy was that I was okay seeing him. We talked about my family, Khaleesi, my plans, and when we all had to part ways for class we hugged goodbye once more.

This time I didn’t care what he thought about my hair or outfit. I knew I looked hot and he didn’t need to say anything to validate that for me. This time I didn’t care what he was thinking, or if he was over me, or if he secretly missed me. I just didn’t feel the need to.

I walked into the elevator with the biggest smile on my face.

The only way to know for sure was to put it to the test, and I finally got the chance to.

I’ve done it, friends. I’ve gotten over the first man that I’ve ever genuinely loved.

And now I’m officially set free.

I’ve overcome my parents’ divorce, mental, physical, and sexual abuse, depression, failed relationships, my father’s imprisonment; Hell, I’ve even overcome nearly dying a few times, and now, I’ve overcome Joseph.

The Jessmeister can and will overcome whatever is thrown her way.

There’s a moment in your life when you realize you’re a badass. This is that moment for me.

-Jess

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My friends and I at a local bar. Life is good.

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2 comments

  1. omg Jess I am so damn proud of you! I am so glad to have known you. You are so strong. I have a guy best friend like that and I just can’t even stand seeing him anymore. I was so in love with him and I didn’t know about it. It hurts to even see him now. I am getting over it though trying to hahah just updated my blog go check it out babe 😉 miss you so much email me and tell me more about you moving to Austin? ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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