I feel like myself now.


Finally…

The way I feel on the inside is now how I look on the outside.

It all started when I decided to shave the right side of my head.

That first step made me feel more like me.

Then I finally got my septum pierced. Something I’ve wanted forever but was too afraid to get because other people said I shouldn’t. But that’s the thing about getting to a place where you don’t care what others think of you. You start doing the things you want and stop people pleasing.

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Then a few days ago I finally colored my hair the way I wanted to. I got reddish blonde highlights.

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The day I got my piercing I came across a karaoke bar. I- being the spontaneous person that I am decided to go in and rock the place. I sang three covers, made new friends, and even met a really cute guy. I had great conversations with the doorman and the bartender and they’ve all invited me to come back tonight to sing again. I have requests for duets and song requests for me to sing solo. I am over the moon. I’m too happy to even understand. Singing does something to me that I can’t describe.

This haircut, this piercing, those highlights, this voice…

These are all things that I was too afraid to do when I was with Joseph. Turns out I was too afraid to be myself. Now that I’ve made these changes I feel like me. The person I’ve always been. Now people can actually just see it on the outside.

It’s not just about the looks.

I was afraid to be spontaneous.

I was afraid to be creative.

I was afraid to be anything other than cookie cutter, because that’s what that relationship called for. And suddenly it all made sense.

Joseph and I didn’t work out, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough or that his new girlfriend is better than me. It’s because I’m not meant for him. And he wasn’t meant for me. Just changing these things about myself made that crystal clear. I’m spontaneous, adventurous a party girl, a passionate person, a kinky woman, and a true performer. He is more color inside the lines, stay home on the weekends, plan everything meticulously, don’t take chances, never be in the spotlight kind of person. Not that that’s a bad thing. It’s just not what I want in a man. I was kept in a metaphorical cage all this time without realizing it. There were signs that I deliberately ignored. Now that I’m here, though, I’m so excited to keep learning about myself and loving myself for who I am. And someday someone else is going to love everything about me and wonder why anyone wouldn’t. 🙂

And my next guy is going to be a badass. Not because he’s “cool” or a “bad boy” or whatever. It’ll be because he gives me everything I need. I won’t be the only one trying in the relationship. I’m really excited!

But for now I’m going to enjoy my life. Enjoy going on impromptu trips to the bars, kissing random strangers, discovering who I am, getting closure, making memories with my friends, and having as many first dates as I want.

I will never settle again.

I’m too much of a catch for that.

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-Jess

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