As you all know from my dreams post, I tend to have very vivid dreams. Sometimes they feel great, other times they hurt more than I expected.
Last night I had a dream that Joseph and I were getting married. I don’t know how far away the wedding was at this point in my dream, but I really felt like something was wrong. Like marrying him wasn’t something I wanted anymore. Like I would be missing out on the person I’m meant to be with.
The day before the wedding I called it off.
I said, “Look, I think we both know this isn’t what we want anymore. I love you, but this isn’t right. There are two wonderful people out there that we may not have met yet waiting for us, and we just don’t make sense anymore.”
He agreed. He (oddly) shook my hand and thanked me for having the strength to call it off.
Then I walked out of our apartment and went to a bar.
And there was a beautiful stranger there. Someone I guess I must have seen before but I don’t recognize. And he walked up to me and said, “This feels right.”
And it did.
I guess my subconscious is catching up to me! Now hopefully I can enjoy my dreams like I used to.
It’s really nice to know that I’ve let go of Joseph in every way. He no longer resides in the front or back of my mind, in my dreams, or in my heart (except in that little ventricle that I keep locked up so that I’ll always remember how that relationship changed me.)
Still I’ll always remember the fun times. The good times.
We had a halloween party at Roxy’s freshman year and we all drank excessively. The party ended with one of our friends getting completely wasted and crying, and Joseph and I arguing over the inkling that I had about his feelings towards his ex, (Which were completely validated.) and us sharing a twin sized bed in another friend’s dorm while said friend stayed behind to take care of said wasted friend. We all woke up the next day and cleaned up the apartment. We were freshman, so being hungover still wasn’t a thing. I was a flapper girl for the party and I drunkenly kept pulling the strings off of my dress so they were everywhere. We opened the windows to let the cold breeze in. After a little while, the room smelled fresh and new. Autumn is my favorite season and Halloween is my favorite holiday. The cold wind nipping at my face felt familiar and liberating. It felt like the city was calling me. “Yes, this is where you belong.” I liked watching him watch me as we both tidied up the living room. We had music on shuffle and the song I’ve linked above this came on.
Suddenly in one swift motion he put the broom down, made his way towards me and pulled me in close. We started slowly dancing. as I laid my head on his shoulder I could smell his familiar scent. That scent that to this day stops me in my tracks when I randomly catch a whiff of it. The sounds of cars outside faded away. Everyone else in the room didn’t matter. His hand around my waist was all I could focus on. In that moment I didn’t feel like he was using me. I didn’t feel like he cared more about the other girls. This moment was just for us.
That might be my favorite memory. There will never be a moment exactly like that one. I think I’ll keep it.
Being over someone doesn’t mean you’re angry at them or that you hope they never find happiness. It’s actually quite the opposite. Once you can look back and smile at the memories; Once you can be happy for them; Once the thought of them doesn’t hurt anymore, that’s when you know you’re free.
And free I am.