Some days are more difficult than others. I think we’ve all learned that.
It’s a little bit trickier with depression, mostly because it’s more difficult to be anything but depressed on the sad days.
Today is not great for me.
But last night reminded me that I still know how to have fun. I still know how to distract myself.
Last night my friends and I had a chill get together. We drank rum, talked, listened to music, played a few games. As the night went on, I was finding myself being sad all over again. Sad over the same things that I swore didn’t hurt anymore. That’s depression for you.
It got worse with every hour. Luckily, my best friend from home was visiting and he’s also dealing with similar things.
By 1 am I was trashing my room and cursing everything.
And of course, crying like a child.
After a little talk and a long hug, we went back out to the living room and my friend Woody asked what I wanted to do at that very moment.
And I so prudently stated “I want to smash bottles outside.”
10 minutes later we were out on the street with a bag full of empties. We smashed them on the floor, against brick walls, and then in a deliberate manner, I smashed a bottle right in the middle of Ashland street.
I’ve never really been a rebel in the sense of breaking the law, but last night I just wanted to distract myself. I wanted to stop hurting. And I wanted to have a good time with my friends who were more than willing to participate in our little misdemeanor adventure.
We broke into a construction site and ran around. After Woody and Ray hopped a fence to get out, I almost hopped the fence, but then fell instead. Classic Jess.
Then we did the one thing I said I’d never do. Not because it’s against the law, but because it’s freakin’ creepy.
We broke into a cemetery.
I never thought I’d say this but… It was awesome.
We played this game where “the Russians” were attacking us from the north end of the perimeter and we used the gravestones as bases and even did a few cool running summersault things like they do in spy movies. We called each other Lieutenants and addressed each other by last name. We made different plans of action. and ran southeast to the whole other end of the cemetery.
The only real world thought in my mind was that if everything in my past hadn’t happened exaclty how it did, I’d never have this very moment. This perfect and “infinite” moment in time.
And for the first time in my life, I was genuinely grateful for who I am and what I’ve been through.
So yes, it’s true that at times I feel like I’m on top of the world, and then an hour later I’m the scum of the earth. But this has taught me that even when I’m having a low day, I’m strong. I’m incredibly strong. And you are too. If you’re living right now, you’re strong. I know from experience that if a person with chronic depression is still alive at the end of the day, then they worked their ass off to make sure of that. Whoever you are, I just want to tell you that I am proud of you.
We hopped the fence and walked the block and a half back home. I did cartwheels at all the green lights and roundhouses in each patch of grass. And then when I got home I got in the shower and almost instantly started crying and broke down again.
That is just how it works sometimes.
But it’s okay. I truly believe that I’ve accepted the fact that sometimes my life is going to be like that.
I will never forget last night.